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Friday, August 13, 2004

A Date with my Son

Rob's not feeling well. A kind of Montezuma's revenge...perhaps better called Mississauga's revenge. So Adam and I went out for a date. We've not done that in a while and it was so nice, just him and I. He's really maturing - I know, 13 is not a grown up, but I remember having our "dates" when it was just him and I living in that dinky one bed room apartment after I left Greg, and he was 2 or 3 and we'd go to Pizza Hut for a swanky $13.00 dinner. He was so proud then of being the big boy, of helping mommy. Now, I catch his eye watching the young chicklets at the table behind us. Sigh....teenage hormones. But it's a good thing. Don't get me wrong. He's such a good, healthy kid.

After dinner (which was at Applebee's) we went to see I, Robot. Rob and I had seen it alone, and I didn't mind seeing it again with Adam. He really enjoyed it. He was fascinated by the computer animation and reiterated that that's what he wants to do for a career - computer animation for movies. I wish I could afford the Flash programme he wants. I'm going to do some investigations....I'm creative enough that maybe I can find something that will kind of fill in the gap in the interim until he gets into high school. One of the mom's of one of Adam's baseball teammates said her older son, who goes to the same high school that Adam will in fall 2005, has an *excellent* computer animation programme, afterschool computer animation club, etc.

My day at work was really quite busy and I came quite close to just flipping on Bruce. He's an older man, and the details are really irrelevant but he started yelling at me for something that wasn't my fault. I mean really yelling, and he was shaking with rage, his eyes bloodshot with the pressure. I sat there and said very little. I contained myself though, which was good I suppose. I could have done far worse, especially in my medically addled state.

What I mean by that is that, as I told the pdoc last time, it seems that since my diagnosis last fall, it feels like my ability to hide and mask my emotions, as is required from time to time by EVERY member of society (otherwise we would truly have anarchy), it feels like that ability has been muted and I'm more a prisoner of the tsunamis the emotions produce.

Right now, I'm fine. The date with Adam really did me well. And the run I did when I got home was great - I shaved yet another minute off my time for the shorter run.

L, the blogging partner of the other K woman with BP, was surprised I could run on seroquel. It's a question of timing. I run at 5:30 or so each night. I take the Seroquel at about 9 pm (400 mg). That usually means I'm kinda sleepy by about 10 but if I'm on a more manic upswing, even that is dulled and it might be 11 or so. The Epival (Depakote or Valproic acid) I take at about 8 am and 6 pm (I honestly don't remember the dosage - think the total is 1000 mg) .

Kevin is sending me msn messages. He's a whole chapter in himself. He's a man I met via the bipolar.about.com chat (now defunct and moved to Stepchat). He initially was of great help to me and suffers a great deal from a rapid cycling BP with a strong psychotic component. He's into medieval structure and culture and talks/writes like that. Long story, but he and several others (myself included) went to an msn group started by another "beeper". They were all pity-party poopers and I got sick of it. Every time I mentioned something positive, one would change topics or conversation would cease. Fed my ever present paranoia so I left. Now that has triggered his "saviour" complex - he feels I suffer, hence my departure from their clique. I don't. I found it unhealthy. And I need to tell him that. He keeps holding out an msn-framed hand to me, offering assistance where none is needed.

There - just sent him a message saying I left the group because it was healthier to do so than to stay, that I am well and that I know he will be as well.

Now, finally, the seroquel is catchign up. Time for sleep.

later gator


Blogger moodymicello said...
How cool that you are still having dates with your son. Don't quit. and you are right about the pity party group members--- leave them in a flash!! You've got the right ideas. take care of you and listen to your inner needs. (not the voices, haha) I am allowed to say that since I hear them and the racing thoughts, too.  

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