These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Monday, August 16, 2004

Dr Visit Tomorrow....uh oh

I'm honestly fearful. I always am. I don't want to be too honest about what has occurred in my mind the past six weeks, because I really don't want another increase. I was quite upset that he increased things last time, after having gone a good three months with no adjustments. The only benefit to last time was that there was no attendant weight gain with the 25% increase in depakote.

I think that my decision to leave the msn group has been a healthy one. Venting here, where I don't feel like I have to step on eggshells, is much more relaxed, less riddled with tension and angst. (which reminds me - angst being a German word - I want to start my "teach myself German" book again, the one I had Rob bring into me when I was committed. had to have something to do in there other than play cards with that poor schizophrenic kid...I mean how many games of gin can you play in one night?) And while that decision and my thought processes seem less paranoid and the thoughts dropping in from out of the sky are fewer, the repetitive racing thoughts still exist - but again, to be fair, they too are less. So all in all, I think I will tell him that the past six weeks have been good, a few blips on the radar, but things are heading in a positive direction again. I won't tell him about the thoughts about the knife or the driving into the bridge, because that will either get me committed again (possible but not probable) or a major dosage increase (probable).

Wish me luck.

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