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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Meds and BP

I'm in one of those "my meds are making me this way" moods. Now, don't run away screaming. There is some logic to this, and not just twisted BP logic. Because I've got to take medication consistently (almost constantly it seems) throughout the day, each dose is a reminder of this .... flaw...whether it's an organic flaw or not bears little merit on the feeling it engenders. I know that the medication is supposed to be a balance of neural chemistry, but even the most up-to-date pdoc will tell you that they really truly don't know HOW this medication works. And still we take it, with each dose a small drop of water on our foreheads reminding us of the disorder. Each reminder, for me at least, is then performs a sort of internal radar check, and that in turn reminds me of how "off" I am that day.

I read something really quite fascinating, though, regarding the possible (however tenuous) relationship that BP may bear to epilepsy. On the larger scale, it is the new family of anticonvulsants like Epival (what the Americans call Depakote) that have "proven" to be "successful" (in quotes because of my current distrust of medications) for mood disorders, particularly Type I Bipolar.

In this link is an interesting theory behind the causes for bipolar:

http://www.psychiatry24x7.com/backgrounders/avscontent.jhtml?key=/backgrounders/psychiatry24x7.com/nonprofbackbip015.xml&s=2


It may be that the development of bipolar disorder is due to a process of sensitisation (kindling). This idea suggests that the first episodes of illness are triggered by stressful life events, but that each episode of illness causes changes in the brain which make the next episode more likely, and eventually episodes occur spontaneously. This process was first describes as an explanation for epilepsy, and may explain why certain antiepileptic drugs are also effective in the treatment of bipolar disorder.

This seems to make sense to me. It explains why sometimes the moods change, so DAMNED FAST, and take me so much by surprise, it almost leaves me breathless. It's such a helpless feeling, to not have control of your own mind. For chrissake...I've got an IQ of 135, I'm smart, funny, together, and lately I've been struggling to get two syllable words out of my mouth. I know that the medication slows me down.

That last blog I mentioned re the partner of the BPer like me, she was sweet enough to respond to my comment, and that made me feel very good. I hope we can kind of help each other - she lets me see a bit more into the partner side (which Rob hides from me for the most part, to not aggravate my moods, rightly or wrongly), and maybe I can give her some insight into the daily workings of a woman struggling to remember who she is, and to hold on to all that is dear before she loses her mind.

dammit...i'm almost crying now. fuck i hate when this happens. I've got to go. I don't know that this post has made a lot of literary sense, but it's made sense in the moment I wrote it.

*big deep breath*

Adam's downstairs watching Simpsons and Rob's at a dinner function for work, so I'm going to go spend some time with Adam, my reason for breathing. I've got to straighten out so Adam doesn't seem me like this. It'll freak the poor kid out.

later


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