These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Sanity Optional
Saturday, August 21, 2004


First off, point is well taken re: the possibility that if I enter into the Seroquel study that I may be contractually bound to continue the medication past the point where I physically require it. However, one thing I didn't mention is that the pdoc did say that there were several potential outcomes of the study: 1) that Seroquel helps in the reduction of symptoms to the point of complete remission and therefore I can come off all drugs; 2) that Seroquel must be taken with Epival for me to have relief; 3) that Seroquel helps in reduction of symptoms but constant minimum dose is required (much lower than I currently take), and other possibilities. I wish very much that I can eventually come off all drugs. Rob doesn't think that's likely. He compares it to his blood pressure: he's inherited a tendency to high blood pressure and, particularly since both his parents died of stroke, he's got to take blood pressure medication for the rest of his life.

Random 1

I saw notes on several people's blogs re the "Next Blog" on the tool bar at the top of our own blogs. It refers you to your current blog neighbour. I say current because I did some tests and the "next" blog varies wildly from second to second. It's a mirror of life: who you are beside, who you "touch" changes dramatically from one breath to the next. The juxtaposition can be startling. One I saw next to mine at one moment was written in (what I think was) Chinese, and was obviously a proud father documenting the pregnancy and post natal times of his first child. I couldn't read a damned word, but the message was as clear as glass. Makes my semi-sane dronings quite mundane.

Random 2

I saw an update in the paper online recently (I read the newspaper on the internet) about the man from down east who was stopped from the gun rampage by the dog he saw in the park. Briefly: this man drove from the Canadian Maritimes to Toronto, a centre of evil activity as far as he was concerned. He stopped into a park before carrying out his self imposed mission for a rest and was approached by a very friendly dog. The dog reminded him strongly of a dog he had back home long ago and it made him reconsider: a place with such a dog couldn't be so bad. So, the man went and found a policeman and surrendered himself. The policeman, a rookie with only a few months on the job, went to the man's car as directed and found the truck chock full of automatic weapons. The dog saved the city. The man's currently undergoing psychiatric assessment and his family/friends are saying that he really was planning all this to make sure that he got the treatment he needed, that he knew he needed help and was frustrated getting the right help any other way. That frustration, that impotent rage, redirected.

Random 3

My sleep's been a bit wonky again. Up past 11 last night (late for an old girl like me, especially since I take an anti-psychotic at levels that are about 5 times what some people are prescribed as a nightly sleeping aid). So I laid there at one point, staring at the overhead light in the bedroom ceiling. And I remembered the shock and shame when my family doctor came into the hospital last year to see me when he was told I was committed. I was racing up and down the halls in manic frantic, back and forth over and over, and I turned one corner back towards my room and there was my case nurse and my family doctor. I stopped dead and immediately was mortified. If I could, I would have turned and run from the building. Normally he'd seen me as a young professional mother, calm cool and collected, and here I was, a fucking blithering fool locked up for my own safety. I know that the nurses in his practice, which he shares with about 6 other doctors, call him Doogie because he looks (and is) so young. So I'd always liked him but thought of him as....oh, I don't know..."less" somehow because of the labelling of his nurses. Well, he and I went into the TV room (it was quite early, 7 am, and the rest of the ward was pretty much still comatose - only us manic lunatics were so active then) and he talked to me. Calmly, honestly and I could see both the concern and the error of my ways. He was a strongly competent, caring doctor, and all he wanted to do was help me. That sudden knowledge helped me, knowing that this man, even though I had judged him badly, was an official "presence" in my corner. You'll have to remember that at this point my pdoc and I weren't getting along AT ALL. But Dr. P. was worried and wanted to make sure I got the help I needed. He didn't talk to me like I was crazy (though I don't know that I've ever been completely sane), which, when you're in a floor full of people mumbling to themselves and arguing with invisible people living in the refrigerator, goes a long way to letting you stand a little taller.

Random 4

Adam and I had another "date" last night. We saw Alien Vs. Predator (a movie I agreed to see since his team won the PeeWee World Series Thursday night). It was a typical movie of the genre, and sitting with him, listening to him whisper sarcastic commentary to me ("mom, I guess these people haven't seen this movie yet either" - as they walk into a room where it's obvious they'll meet their doom) - he reminded me so much of me at that age. Smart, sassy and sarcastic. I just hope with everything I have that he doesn't follow me further down the path, that he stays as "normal" as he is now. It would break my heart to have him end up like me.

Rob's waking up now. Time for me to make some pancakes, I think.

See ya soon raccoon.

Blogger moodymicello said...
You sound so like me. The stays in the hospital. the late night wanderings. the worrying about the paths the children will take. Just be sure to take your medications now. I'm told that if I had been diagnosed and treated at your age, I would never have hit total disability. I wonder that I don't hear you write of a therapist, a Ph.D. It is so essential in total treatment and in helping to minimize the drugs. Wish you were close enough for a cup of coffee!  

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