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Friday, September 24, 2004

Better, Stronger, Faster

My mind of late has been sharper than in some while. It's been straining at the edge of clarity for days, and today everything was as if lit from the back, standing out in sharp relief.

My job can be fairly technical. I had trouble this week trying to comply to the somewhat cryptic requests of our president, and since the area I'm working in now as well as the format in which he puts his requests are both relatively new to me, my lack of precision and my failure to get things right the first time was sending me into paranoia.

But today I took the time to concentrate, to focus and get the detail and background I needed so that when I sat with him to explain my selections and calculations, I could support it with ready evidence. I'm not manic: my mind isn't whirring. I'm rather calm in that sense. I can see the answers clearly and it seems like there's not much I couldn't decipher if I put my mind to it. It's steady logic, confidence in my own intellect, faith in my ability to reason.

Mania steps beyond reason. Mania is building houses in the clouds and trying to move in. I am not building houses. I may draw pictures of the house in my mind, full of baroque mirrors in one room and African tribal masks in a wide corridor and Incan fertility statues on rosewood shelves, but I won't attempt build it. My toes are digging in rich soil, on solid ground.

I'm glad for this clarity. The ever-changing environment at my job (e.g. my responsibilities recently changed for the fourth time in 9 months) has kept me off my guard for a long time and it's difficult to focus and think clearly when you're not on even footing.

Now it's getting late for me, Seroquel's catching up (another sign I'm not manic - the Seroquel's sedative effect works).

Peace.


Blogger moodymicello said...
Dear B, glad to hear you are finding the clarity. It is one thing that I have increasing trouble with since diagnosis in '94. An currently on ADHD meds for it. They work. You are making me homesick for the days of working with management at Mobil. Smiles Michele  

Blogger Cliff said...
You said: "Mania is building houses in the clouds and trying to move in." Got that right.

There is, of course, a phase that is not actually mania yet, but just spitting distance away from it. They call it hypomania, and it can be incredibly enjoyable as well as very functional. Most of the great works of creativity and thought produced by bipolar individuals were done in this state. It's like having all the good stuff of mania (clarity, creativity, brilliance) without any of the bad stuff.

Sounds like that's what your mood is touching on. Enjoy!  

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