These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Sunday, September 05, 2004

Breathing

First, thank you for the posts. The picture advice was helpful - I had to search through some on-line forums to get through a glitch I had encountered with Hello, but I found and fixed it - and the pic below is a painting I did of a garden gargoyle. It's a digital pic of the painting, so it's a bit grainy. Scanning the painting itself isn't really an option: the pic is about 4' x 3' and you've just got the centre detail there. I'm gonna try posting a couple of other things as well.

And second, thank you for the encouragement re my stressing and obsessing on my job. It's the weekend now, and I do feel better. Much better than I did. But if I think about going back, I can feel the fear and stress coming back in like smoke creeping under the crack in the door when the house around you burns. I'm just not going to think about work until Tuesday (or try really hard not to). The swiss army knife remains in my car.

I need to clarify what the knife signifies:

I have a tendency to end up in mixed states (if you're not sure what that is, click the link on the right that says "Bipolar Basics" and find the mixed states definition). They come with fantastic paranoid delusions if I let my guard down. The knife is quite dull. I promise. I have a swiss army knife that, while I'm driving, I hold in my hand in such a manner that I grip the steering wheel and the length of the knife (including the portion into which all the attachments fold and live) rests in the palm of my hand and the blade itself follows the contour of my wrist, with the point ending about four inches down the length of the inside of my forearm. The tighter I grip the steering wheel, the more pressure is put on the point. I do not break the skin. But the .... pressure sensation (it's not really pain, more of a pinch).... that feeling keeps me "here", forces my mind to remain in the real world and not falling more deeply into delusional thought. Hence, I know when the knife makes an appearance in my day, I know it's not been a good day. I hope that makes sense to someone.

But it is in my car, where it will remain. It is always there.

*shaking my head*

ok...I hate pity-party crap. Enough of this talk.

I'm going to try to post more pictures. Maybe even one of me hahahahahah (digitally altered to protect my secret identity as Wonder Blonde).

Still breathing :-)




Blogger moodymicello said...
your gargoyle is wonderful but he looks scared. just like you are?  

Blogger blondzila said...
Thank you :-) I like him very much. I finished it late last winter. But he's not scared. He's sitting, eyes closed, resting. He's an example of what I want to aim for :-) I have a thing for gargoyles and masks: they're throughout my house in various forms. Thanks again for the kind words.  

Blogger Meitar said...
You are quite a talented artist. I have always wished I had artistic skill like that. :
Anyway...mixed states can be very confusing. For me, they are often accompanied by feelings of fear because of that confusion.

...and I don't really know where I was going with this comment. :( Best wishes.  

Blogger blondzila said...
Where you ended up was kind and helpful, so thank you :-)  

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