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Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Explanation

I need to clarify something.

My presence here, in this blog, is my venting place. I used to have a network of people whom initially supported me during my pre-diagnosis and hospitalization stage. I eventually found that they liked to roll around in pits of their own despair and did little to help themselves. I know this sounds harsh but it is also how I saw, and still see, them. I am not at all following the "pull yourself out of it" BS. Rather, I am saying that yes, I know bipolar disorder is a real bitch to deal with but there are distinct things you can do to help yourself and rolling round in the mud saying oh my god I'm getting so dirty is not one of them.

Now...

I need it to be understood that when I write here about things like my swiss army knife, I am not crying for attention. I am not rolling in the mud complaining of how my shirt will never come clean again. I am giving vent to what are my current coping skills, however hobbled they may be. I greatly appreciate the concern that some have expressed, and I am not turning that aside or casting aspersions on those concerns. Please please please don't misunderstand me.

I am, however, desperate to be understood as someone whose writing here is, in fact, another coping mechanism, a way to give air to some of the more unbalanced thoughts and things I do. If I don't give vent to them, they take on a greater life and significance in my mind than I sometimes think they warrant and that feeds my delusions and paranoia, which eat quite healthfully as it is thank you very much.

I hope some of this makes sense. I am very grateful that people who know little about me have some concern, but I am currently okay. It is when I STOP writing (or drawing, or painting) that things go from bad to worse. I have, in the past, written some very bizarre things. I have read them after the fact, when more stable, and thought, holy crap am I ever screwed up. You may have the misfortune of reading some of it some day, but if you do, please know that it's my attempt to let off some of the internal pressure before the lid blows.

Now my current state of mind:

I have a dull throbbing headache from this lovely cold that Rob has seen fit to share. I am still employed. My son is back from his camping trip and his first day of grade eight, looking quite the handsome young man (absence does indeed make one fonder). But I'm not paranoid. This is a monumental difference for me. Living with paranoia is exhausting. I am tired - part of that is the cold and part of that is the aftermath of a week of paranoia and mixed state hell. But today is ok. And right now that's a victory.

Hope all is well with everyone. Happy Tuesday :-)



Blogger moodymicello said...
AFTER MIXED STATE HELL, QUITE A VICTORY. CONGRATULATIONS. HOPE THINGS STAY A LITTLE LEVEL FOR AWHILE. PEACE  

Blogger blondzila said...
Thank you :-). And right now, peaceful is what I feel. Have a great Wednesday.  

Blogger Cliff said...
Yeah. Mixed is the absolute WORST. I was at a meeting the other night at a peer group with others who have this thing and they ALL agreed that it was the worst.

A hundred miles an hour standing still. Yuck. With an exclamation point.

And I know it sounds wierd, and maybe it is, but I totally understood the Swiss army knife thing. It's really not a bad idea at all, especially if it works.  

Blogger Meitar said...
You are quite eloquent. I couldn't have put it any better, though I'll try; it's a matter of motivation. I rarely want to do something to better my mood when I'm in a bad mood, even if that's against my better judgement. Rolling around in the mud is emotionally soothing.

Whether or not I decide to actively help myself out then becomes a battle of internal demons. And after more than 8 years practicing this very self-help technique, I still find it an exhausting battle to wage.

That said, and I think you know this already too, but you seem like the kind of person to win this battle more often than not. I hope more people with Bipolar read your writings.

Have a great night!  

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