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Tuesday, October 19, 2004


Synergy's K may have a point. Is there some cyclical nature to my moods? I don't like admitting to the female cycle effect. I know that sounds strange but you have to understand: I had a hysterectomy five years ago due to what is called a uterine prolapse. Look it up if you don't know what it is. Just think of a page in the grocery store: "Clean up in aisle 12". That'd be close to the mark. (Now any man reading this and understanding it is likely holding his nuts and squirming).

I don't like admitting to the cyclical nature - I never really suffered from PMS. I know, sounds like crap coming from someone with a mood disorder. But it's true. I was always pretty even keeled. Admitting to the typical female monthly Gorgon phase always seemed to me like admitting to a weakness. In case you've not figured that out yet, I don't like admitting to any kind of weakness at all. And yes, I know that life doesn't work that way, and there is a rational side of me that realises that. The rest of me ignores it. It also seems so easy to me for people to dismiss a woman's emotions because of "hormones". Doesn't mean they're not valid, Jack.

But is there cycles? Possibly. But I don't think it's based on a 28 day cycle. I'm not disciplined enough to graph my moods. I can't even remember to post every day (though I try). The thing to determine, scientifically, would be what triggers a mood change. That would then give shape to whatever cycle exists. Stress is it really. And that's everywhere. So I'm buggered I guess that way.

I'm rereading this and wondering if this is even making sense. Concentration is still not the best today, and those bad thoughts are starting to creep back in. The three of us watched CSI reruns today and one was about a grandmother who committed suicide by driving into a restaurant heavily frequented by the staff of the insurance company who had her claim for colon cancer treatment tied up in limbo. She had a huge policy to which her grandson was the sole beneficiary. There was the requisite flashback showing her talking to him and making him promise to go back to school and get his degree should money ever come his way. I was choking back tears. It was far too close to scenes that run through my head almost every day. Every. Day.

The trigger to this most recent change seems to have been my "disappearance" last week that upset my son and husband. Things have been wonky since then. I'm searching for the positive me that started this blog two months ago. I need to get that back.

I'll try to keep a part of myself reserved and watchful to see if a cycle does exist.

Thanks for the thought, K. It's a good one. And you are right - every day is a victory.

Good night.

Blogger moodymicello said...
You've hit on a good subject. I've been thinking of the same thing all day. i'm bouncing up and downn and my doc who is usually so good is a little baffled. think i wiill "think this out on my page' come to "bipolar musings' and see if i come up with anything.  

Blogger synergy said...
I have a couple of contradictory statements.

1) I never had PMS until I turned 30. Then, it was like some hormones radically changed in my body and it no longer continued to behave as it did prior to 30. K just likes to say that I'm getting old. So, even after close to 2 years, I still don't recognize my reactions just prior to menstration. A number of my friends have had similar experiences.

2) There has definitely been a link in K's moods to my cycle, despite that she is close to being post-menopausal.

3) When this is discussed with K's pdoc, he gets a baffled look on his face, as if he has never heard of female hormones. (Last time, I took the liberty of reminding him that he had studied them in med school. We are both fairly amused by his reaction.) However, he said that there actually has been a study done showing no link between bipolar episodes and menstration. That said, he didn't rule out fluctuations in moods (perhaps not strong enough to reach the definition of an "episode") due to PMS and hormone fluctuations.

4) I second Michele's comment about mood graphing. It has been a great tool for K. The Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance has a great tool for charting moods, a personal calendar. It has helped her see that the bad days don't last forever and for me and her pdoc to spot patterns in her behavior. That's how we found the PMS link.

I've added the link, and the title for it is personal calendar. They will either send it to you or you can download it.

Good luck. Just remember it's only been a couple bad days, and before you were doing really well.


Blogger Becky said...
Whoa! Moods and cycles have been definitively linked, sort of. If you subscribe to the idea that seratonin impacts moods (which I do), the obviously, your cycles impact your mood because the dips and rises in estrogen impact the production of seratonin. I'll see if I can't dig up more info on this and post about it on tidal moods. :)

LOL on the balls comment. I was thinking the same thing.  

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