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Sanity Optional
Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Taking my treatment more into my own hands

Thursday I'm to see the pdoc again. I'm going to be telling him then that I'm opting out of starting the pharmaceutical study. But I'm not going to tell him that I've not got the blood test he requested. He wants to monitor the Depakote levels, getting a baseline before beginning the study. I'm not doing the study so the initial impetus for the test is gone.

I've had a conscious realisation today: it's been at least two weeks, more like three, since I've had any thoughts of suicide, even momentary. I'm pleasant, I'm energetic without being frantic, I'm productive and creative. I feel good. Excellent, really.

I am not going to get the blood test done because he will simply raise my levels again. My blood levels for the Depakote have been low for a year, and have just been into the therapeutic range for the first time on a blood test done in July. Every time he raises either the Depakote or the Seroquel, my weight goes up by 5 lbs within a max 2 week period. That will do little to help things.

I am an adult. I am making a decision here. I am feeling good, I am in control of my disorder (I hate calling Bipolar a disease - that seems to imply a progression or deterioration that I refuse to recognise and allow, while disorder conveys for me a more manageable condition).

I am encountering situations this fall that are similar to others of last fall (e.g. family holidays approaching, school back for Adam, winter hockey, Rob's competitive hockey team) and can see the stark contrast of how far I've come. The situations that caused great distress and turmoil in my weakened condition a year ago are quite mundane and normal now. I want to begin the process of possibly reducing the medications. So, here I take my stand.

I'll see what the dr says Thursday. But I am the one in control here.

Blogger Becky said...
I'm so happy to hear that you're feeling good! I'm so jealous. I'm feeling energetic too, but it's punctuated by that frantic, racing, hyper quality that's the downside of being up. I always wish that I could stop taking my meds, but I totally can't. It sucks. As I was talking to a buddy of mine, she kicked my ass about coming off of the lamictal.

Okay, I'm rambling. hang on.

Oh yeah. If you're feeling perfect right now, I think you shouldn't change anything. See if you can't get this feeling to stick around for awhile. Then you'll know you're on to something.

good luck with the pdoc! let us know how it goes!!!  

Blogger moodymicello said...
If you are really stable, I wouldn't want to change anything either. But as to the weight,.. there are things beside depakote that don't have a weight effect like Topomax. Talk to your pdoc. I'm glad you are feeling so good.Hang in there. Michele  

Blogger moodymicello said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.  

Blogger blondzila said...
I've heard Topamax is good regarding weight issues. But because I'm feeling good, and I've not had to tinker with the meds in a good couple months, I'm reluctant to change. I mean, if it's quasi-sanity plus extra weight vs potentially meds-hell (I've heard terrible stories of meds-merry-go-rounds) but slimmer, I think I'll take the quasi-stability and continue to exercise like hell.  

Blogger beatlesfan said...
My recent bloodtest showed a depakote level of 6 -
Is this so low as to be meaningless?

anyone with guidance please advise. I am an average size male, with average functions.

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