These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Monday, October 18, 2004

Trying flying, buying and sighing

The sky this morning when I drove to work was the colour of an old bruise. Fall has settled in and early morning is cold enough that you can glimpse the toes of the winter to come. I love winter sunshine, fresh snow, the brilliance of a clear winter day. That was not today.

Nothing I did today was right. I struggled to concentrate, struggled to hold my temper in check, tried to keep myself reminded that this too shall pass. My new position has me working only for two sales reps now: the president and one of the key principal shareholders. High profile, high scrutiny.

Then my son called to tell me he was home from school.

My son played baseball this summer. Their year end party was delayed and ended being scheduled for this Sunday. My son goes to his father's every weekend. Every one. So Adam called his dad last Thursday to see if his father was going to take him to the restaurant where the party was to be held or whether Rob and I would take him. Decision: his father. It is basically understood that his father and I are rarely together with Adam because the tension between us makes Adam highly uncomfortable (I would be too if I were in his shoes - it's not pretty).

So when my son called and I asked how his baseball party went he said: "Good, but where were you?"

I'm sitting at work, drowning in deadlines I can barely grasp, stunned. "what do you mean where was I".

Adam then proceeds to explain that his father sat in the car for two hours in the parking lot and sent Adam into the restaurant on his own. The coaches took care of his dinner apparently - it was three or four extra large pizzas for all the boys. Adam and I talked and he was disappointed that I wasn't there.

That cut. I felt the guilt draw blood almost black.

I explained that there was no way I would know that his father had left him alone and that if I knew I would be there in a heartbeat. I said "You do understand why I wasn't there, don't you?"

He said, "umm, actually, no".

I said that his father had said he was taking him and how comfortable would his father, and therefore Adam, have been if I had shown up as well.

"Not very," Adam agreed.

"I was trying to avoid creating a situation by staying out of your dad's way. And by not going, I created one anyway". I kept apologizing. I was sitting near tears at my desk, the guilt of disappointing him like anvils on my scapulae.

I called him back after a short while. If I was having trouble concentrating before, now I was a basket case. Not good when you're working right for the president. In one 25 foot walk from my desk to the ladies room I felt the paranoia creeping in, knowing that if I spun on my heel, every eye would be on me, accusing, cold, dead fish eyes. I shook it off, successfully. But that it reared its head at all was troubling.

I told Adam that I would make anything he wished for dinner, just he and I special. He asked if we could go out. I did a mental inventory of bills vs bank balance and said sure. I was still stressed about what I would meet when I got home - was he more upset than he let on? It's so easy to hide on the phone. The swiss army knife resurfaced in my car, keeping me present for a little while where things threatened to grey out. But when I got home - first thing was a huge huge hug. Much better.

So we went on one of our dates. Nice dinner at Applebees, and then to the outlet store beside the craft store where I'd misbehaved last week. New winter jacket - first time he hasn't had a hand-me-down jacket in probably 5 years minimum - new long sleeved tees and a funky faux-leather braclet he liked. We were laughing, goofing, having fun.

"I'm glad you're my mom", he said as we giggled in the parking lot on the way into the store.

"Oh thank you. Why?"

"Because we can goof around like this." He giggled and we goofed some more.

wow.

The sky was full dark by the time we left the store. But I think tomorrow's sky will be clearer. Bruises fade.


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Good Save! You did Great! Why is it Ex's can be such asses. Both dads and moms This is what my husband's ex used to do to her kids all the time and I used to get so mad I wanted to hire a hit man. Swear to God. And the whole time you don't want to say anything negativ to the kids cuz they have to figure it out for themselves. so the whole time I was telling them,"Your Mom just isn't old enough to be a Mom and she makes these mistakes"; Argh! You did a great job Adan will figure it out on his own someday. Hang in there.Your world will be right side up tomorrow. Michele  

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