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Sunday, November 28, 2004

I never said I was an angel

When I was younger - late teens through to mid twenties - I was a very bad girl. Before I was married and into my first marriage, I was dishonest. I can look back now and in retrospect label these events as hypersexuality expressing itself truth of the matter doesn't change no matter how well I try to play with the window dressing. Am I proud of what I did back then? No. But I can't change it.

Sunday mornings I am the time keeper for my husband's hockey league. Today he was at a tournament with one of the woman's teams he coaches so I went to his league alone (early mornings - first game is 7:50 Sunday). I stayed for my required three games and as I was heading to the ladies room for a pitstop before I drove the 20 minutes home, a man stopped me.

"You look really familiar to me", he said.

Strange thing was, he was really familiar to me as well. He asked, "Do you come here to watch the guys play?"

"No," I said. "I'm the time keeper."

"Oh! So you're the time keeper for the league before mine. You look so familiar though". He was staring at me quite intently.

I asked "Where do you work?" because somewhere in the back of my mind that's where I thought his identity would reside.

The lightbulb went off in his head and he got a very peculiar look across his face. He said very deliberately, and pointing a finger at me "I know you who are."

Puzzled, because I hadn't made the connection yet, I said "What is your name?" He repeated himself "I *know* who *you* are." He went to one of the dressing room doors and then said, "Hey, I've got to get changed. Then I'm coming right out to talk to you." He smiled at me strangely and then went inside. I turned to go to the ladies room and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Oh - my - God," I said out loud. There were three men from my husband's league standing beside me. They asked me if something was wrong - I was in such shock. I said "I know who that man is" and essentially ran to the ladies room.

When I came out, because I spent my time in the ladies room doing nothing but drilling on the identity of this man and what it meant, I approached these three players. My husband wasn't there, and I felt like I may need some help.

"Ok...ummm...there might be a man come out of that dressing room looking for me." They looked confused. I said, with a sigh, "A long time ago, when I was a lot younger, I used to be a very bad girl. That man knows me from that time and this is not a good thing. Not at all. If he comes out of there looking for me, I need you to tell him to go away. Please." One man still looked confused, one was smiling and one was very serious. The one that was serious said, "You're leaving now, right? Going right to the parking lot?" I nodded. He said, "Go. We'll talk to him if necessary."

I went to the parking lot, shaking.

You see, I also forgot ALL my medication yesterday, taking all three doses at once last night (both doses of the Depakote and the dose of the Seroquel) about 11 pm last night). This didn't help my frame of mind. As well, I also forgot the morning dose of Depakote today. I was scared, paranoid, shaking.

Then I drove home, playing in my mind the various scenarios of this guy coming out, asking the other players where I am (he would have seen me standing close to them when he and I spoke, and he now knows I'm the timekeeper so they would know me). And when they say I'm gone and that I'm married etc (or whatever), he would then launch into a detailed explanation of my past performances. It REALLY bothers me that that may have happened and that these men, who genuinely like me, may think less of me now. I also wouldn't put it past this man to approach me regarding a renewal of our "acquaintance".

When I came home, I also told Rob. He KNOWS I was never an angel and he just shook his head saying "Unfortunately some of your past is catching up to you. You're going to just have to deal with it".

I asked him, though, one very important question: did this make him think any less of me.

No, he smiled. Not at all. Big sigh of relief.

Then he said, But you should also keep in mind that your reaction to this, and the penalties and trouble you got into in your hockey game last night (another long story), after not taking your medication, should tell you that you are NOT ready to cut back on it.

Sadly, I think he may be right. And that bothers me too.

Rob's napping right now and I'm still edgy from this encounter. This man from the rink knows a great deal about me, and it worries me. I will just have to make sure that the next few weekends for Rob's league, I have someone around if Rob's not there that I can go to if trouble happens.

Blogger moodymicello said...
You are right on point about a number of things --
1) you have a past - but it's not unusual with bipolar women. If it gives you any comfort, you have plenty of comopany
2) The man can try to cause trouble - but your husband knows and accepts you as you are. Any of the league members are more likely to believe in you that this man who is out of line making a scene. (if he should)
3) you screwed up on your meds -- the result weren't good.
4) Rob says you're not ready to cut back on them. - He's right.
Now, here's a thought. You were born good lookin', smart, funny, articulate, talented, artistic and all that other good stuff....if the worse thing you have to do to function is to take a handful of meds, is it really so bad?
But back to the guy, chances are the three guy friends have wised him up and he'll not say another word. We all love ua anyway. and who doesn't have a past? and pssst I was a lot older than you when it hit me!,  

Blogger blondzila said...
Thanks, Michele :-) Rob and I talked further yesterday, not specifically about this guy, but just about life in general. I went and played in my Sunday hockey game and afterward he wanted to buy me dinner in the pub upstairs in the arena (the only place it's really expected for at least half their patrons to be a sweaty mess and no one blinks an eye). At the end of dinner, as he and I were walking hand in hand in the parking lot, I said "you know, you help keep me centred". It was then I realized that I was no longer thrumming like a live wire and my thoughts had slowed to the posted speed limit. He is *so* good for me.

Thanks for the reminder that I'm not alone in my symptoms, whether present or past. As for the meds - I'll stubbornly wish them to go away forever, probably. But you're both right: it seems obvious that for now, and the foreseeable future, they are on my daily agenda.

Thanks again :-)  

Blogger Cliff said...
How mortifying that moment must have been. And what a wonderful husband you have that he understood!

Women with bipolar illness are not the only ones to suffer that particular symptom. I fought my own battle with it (as you can see on some of the archived posts I am placing in the "favorites" section on my site), and occasionally still do. On the good side, I now win those battles.

As far as the pills go...

This illness isn't one that we will ever get over. Although some think that it may begin with a viral infection, the disease is apparently a result of damage in our brains. The meds calm the results of that damage.

Fifty years from now, we will still have that damage, just like a scar. It never vanishes. Just thank God that there ARE meds, and we CAN rehabilitate.

I have friends who refer to their "recovery" from this illness. That's wrong. There is no recovery. We will never be well. But there is rehabilitation. This is definitely something treatable that we can work through and with.

Hang in there, and watch that med schedule!!! :)  

Blogger Dreaming again said...
Hi there, I'm Pk, I found you right under my blog link on Cliff's blog.
I don't have bi polar, but I do understand it, to a degree, and more than I want to.
I do have an eating disorder ... and that, makes me understand far too well what you went through ... and the feelings, the panic, and the desires to just get past it all and be through with medications, therapy etc etc! Some days, I just want to throw it all away and be NORMAL. But the minute I do, I skip a meal, and the minute I skip a meal, I plan the next binge, and the binge will lead to a desire to purge and well, it's a cycle I cannot afford to get off onto again. Some days I look at my prozac and wonder, Do I need you? Are you still a part of my recovery process? I know it is, and you know, it probably, for me, always will be.

Keep taking your meds ... and give Rob a hug. You have a good one!  

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