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Saturday, November 06, 2004

Life Blogger?

Cliff had a good link to one of "those" quizzes. But this one was kinda cool. It said:





You Are a Life Blogger!



Your blog is the story of your life - a living diary.
If it happens, you blog it. And make it as entertaining as possible.


What kind of blogger are you?


And this made me think (uh oh, I hear from the man in the back).

Why DO I blog? Really?

I think when it comes down to it there are a few different variations of the same real reason. I blog to be understood.

I want to be understood by others as a person with a disorder, a disease that she fights against but rarely succeeds in doing anything other than becoming a person with a disorder AND tired. Sometimes I want to be understood as a person with a disorder so that I can stop fighting myself for a moment, let the mask slide off without fear of derision or sanction and just rest, catch my breath for the next round.

I want to be understood by others as more than a person with a mental illness, because that label has a stigma stronger than any scarlet letter, more divisive and more scarring than any brand or visible deformity. I am talented, smart, funny, original, strong and unique.

I want to understand the strangeness that is this disease, and the rapidly increasing number of divergent studies, each well intentioned in finding a way to ease the chaos in my mind, our minds, each of us like me out there.

I want to understand the men in my life, both of them, to display my pride in them and of them, to work out the times they confuse me with their bold-faced straight-forward testosterone responses to my convoluted self.

I want to understand me, to understand why the rage rises with tsunami force and then is subsumed before it crashes, leaving me hollow and shaken, and exhausted, to only find myself giddy with laughter moments later.

I blog because I want to be understood as the person I remember before I was diagnosed, the person who faced each day grinning and exuberant. I know she still exists because she plays hide and seek with me.

Understanding is both the first and the last. To understand is to glimpse peace.


Blogger moodymicello said...
for blondzila, the blogger, see bipolar musings michele  

Blogger xxan said...
Hi Blondzila,

I'm Xxan from Belgium. I'm a "new" blogger. I hadn't found you before because in your profile, your interests mention "bipolar disorder" and I had searched only on "manic depression". So it is only by chance that I found you.

I completely feel the same as you describe in your blog. One of the most important things is that we are understood by "people", not only by other bipolars (which is obvious) but also by "normal", "healthy" people. I stated approximately the same thing in my recent blog: if you want to read it: http://xxan.blogger.com

It is, as you say, very important that we do not have to hide our "illness", but can talk about it as we talk about other things. No waring masks. If I have to ware a mask this makes me even more "sick" and it undermines my self-confidence.

In my blog, I just mentioned, I also talk about my former self. If you are bipolar there is always a former, previous self and a present self. These two are quite different. And the biggest challenge is to evolve from the first one to the second one. A diagnosis changes so much in our lives that it is damn difficult to accept that we lost (a lot of) things and that we have to learn to live in another way now. I have been diagnosed 5 years ago and I am still in the process of trying to find this new "bipolar coloured" life.

Anyhow, I found your blog very interesting and coming from the heart.

Feel free to visit my blog

Greetings from Belgium

Xan  

Blogger xxan said...
Hi again Blondzila,

I earlier gave you my blog-address, it was not correct, the correct address is http://xxan.blogspot.com

Hope to hear from you soon,

Xxan  

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