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Sunday, November 21, 2004

Savannah mania

The show yesterday was a learning experience. I didn't come close to recouping the money I invested, but I did learn several things and I did sell some pieces after making some adjustments in my pricing. Some of the things I learned:

1) People genuinely like my jewelry.
2) The jewelry would have been better displayed against a black background rather than my festive red for more "pop".
3) People always want to believe they are getting a bargain.
4) Trying new things is rarely a bad thing.

As you might imagine, I was a bit on edge, putting my goods and my ego on the line. And because I had to man the booth, I couldn't run around the way that my mind wanted to. So I did the next best thing available: I kept my fingers busy and continued to create more jewelry while I was manning the booth.

When I got home, I was still on a controlled high. Then it was time for hockey. And while my Saturday team has only lost one game this year, the game last night we struggled. And all of a sudden I was struggling. Inside. And Rob, our coach and my wonderful husband, could tell right away. I told him I was struggling. He touched his temple and said "here?" I nodded. Another player said "what? Are you stiff? Is that what you mean?" I shook my head and said that no, it was a long story. And I explained to Rob later that sometimes when my feelings and thoughts are like that, it's like a beast of burden in the African savannah covered in a massive cloud of flies. They buzz round and round, incessant, mocking, impossible to control or keep track of. The beast swishes its tail half hearted now and again but it can't do anything to keep control of it. That's what the thoughts are like sometimes, that cloud of flies. Sometimes it's almost like I can hear them (the thoughts) actually buzzing. I asked him if the analogy made it better for him to understand and he said that yes, strangely enough it did.

Off and on today I've been struggling again. If I had to chart my mood (which I will), and you consider "0" stable and +100 hospitalized mania and -100 hospitalized depression, I've been bouncing between 75-80 and 15 all day. With a good dose of dysphoria thrown in now and again. My drive back from my Sunday hockey game tonight was at 80 miles an hour and I was deliberate dodging 18 wheelers all the way. Now I've just finished mowing down a small plate of nachos I made, and now due to the guilt, I'm considering going and riding the stationary bike for a half hour or so.

I need cohesion. And I have to try and stop letting my bump in the road bother me as much as it is - I want that stability so I can drop the freakin meds.

The decision is made.

Bike for a bit. Maybe back in a while to vent a bit more.


Blogger synergy said...
I hope that you didn't return to your blog for more venting means that you were able to settle down after riding your stationary bike. The good thing is that you are aware that you are in a manic state. The awareness makes it easier to guard against doing something too rash. But I realize dealing with the rage, mania, and depression is still overwhelming. This is when K medicates herself to oblivion and hides by watching movies.

One question, where are you on the menstrual cycle? Could it be that under normal circumstances you might be able to handle the additional stress, but you are aren't quite able to do so now? If you don't have it on the mood chart, it might help to add it.

Meanwhile, good luck. These episodes are horrible. But remember that this has been a couple days out of three very good weeks, and one of those weeks you were traveling and out of your usual environment.  

Blogger blondzila said...
I actually didn't get on the bike. I sent an email to my friend Michele and by the end of it had the motivation of a slug covered in salt. So I went and had a long hot bath and then hit the hay. I found I was exhausted.

As for the menstrual cycle: I had a hysterectomy 6 years ago. It wasn't complete: I still have my ovaries. But because of that I have no idea when the hormonal fluctuations are occurring

And you are correct. It's a few days when all had been going well so I have to keep things in perspective. And while I had been stable during my business trip, you're right - being out of my comfort zone I'm sure has something to do with this weeks events.  

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