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Friday, December 03, 2004

Deliberate Isolation

I remember long ago when I was in grade school walking home with a friend and having them ask what I was doing on the weekend. Almost without fail, I would lie. I'd tell them I was going to my aunt's. Or my grandmother. The point was that I wouldn't be home so they couldn't come over.

I never wanted to have them come over. Or very rarely. I don't know if some of that was a carryover from my absolute terror of my mom, but I think a good portion of it was my seemingly in-born need to be alone.

I've always prefered my own company to that of others. Even now I don't like having company over. My home is my sanctuary.

Why?

I think it is in large part due to the fact that alone I don't have to put on the masks of acceptability. I don't have to pretend to be okay. I don't have to be "on" (and every bipolar person reading this knows exactly what I mean by that). I can sit and stew in my own juices, or I can daydream or I can create in peace.

And it's always been this way.

Now, as an adult, I have been invited to a few Christmas gatherings. I DO NOT WANT TO GO.

The one that we really seemed locked into was being held by a couple of women who play on one of my hockey teams. And, while I think it was because he genuinely forgot about their party, Rob has booked that same night as the yearly Christmas get together with his sister. It's really the only time they see each other all year (both their parents are dead and they are the only family each other has left, and they barely tolerate each other). But I'm having trouble lately (past month or so) believing that the women on this hockey team aren't talking about me. I'm getting really paranoid about them (or most of them) and it inhibits my interaction with them, which then feeds the paranoia because they talk to me less and I then assume they're talking about me more when my back is turned (anyone ever been truly paranoid will understand that - paranoia isn't logical). Thoughts have been strange at strange times.

So I seem to have escaped the social things for the most part. I do have my family "do" on the 26th, and that will be interesting *coff coff*.

My mood right now is somewhat irritable, tired, but agitated. I'm off to power skating shortly, and Rob and Adam have gone to watch a semi-pro hockey game downtown at the Air Canada Centre (someone might as well play there since the NHL is on strike). I'm hoping that the sweatbox of the skating class will help burn this mood out of me and I will come out the other side cleaner, shining.

I'll let you know.


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