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Sunday, December 12, 2004

Stability

As I look over my mood chart for the past week and a half, things have been relatively stable. The chart is NOT a flat line. But it does not look like the Wild Mouse roller coaster either. I really think taking Friday off work has done me good.

I've played three games of hockey in three nights - the last class of Power Skating for the session was Friday and that is always a shinny game (for those who aren't hockey people, shinny is a pick-up game of hockey, an unorganized kind of thing), and as the class is about 25 guys and 2 women (me being one), the skating was high tempo. And I was very proud of myself. I kept up to at least half of them and although I skated my ass off I'm sorry to say it found me again.

Then I had my regular Saturday game, and this afternoon was our Sunday game. Our regular goalie couldn't make it, so we were to have a substitute. No luck. I heard through the grapevine that the sub was a bit flaky, and sure enough she never showed up. She told the convenor that her car wouldn't start (which is possible - we're getting the first semi-serious dump of snow of the year, which always comes around my birthday), but we had to play the entire game of hockey without a goalie. Let me put this into American-speak: that's playing a game of football without a quarterback. Yes, someone has to fill in for the position, but it's not even close to the real thing. So we had our defensive line take turns rotating through the goal. I played defense tonight so yes, I was goalie for a while. I let one in, but we still won, without a goalie, 3-2. A lot of fun and a damned good game. This is with the team that I've been debating leaving after this season, but I admitted to Rob on the way home that the more stable I become, the easier it is to tolerate some of the politics of the team. I will withold my decision until the end of this season (April/May).

The only time any BP surfaced in the past few days that I was aware of was during Rob's league this morning, for which I timekeep and scorekeep. There was a penalty during the last of three games, and I was recording the time the penalty was over. At that exact moment, the whistle blew, and because I was concentrating on the penalty, I really didn't hear the whistle. The guys started yelling at me to stop the clock and one guy swore at me. I lost it and even in my little glass booth I'm sure they heard every word I said. It was rather blue. I just lost my temper - 0 - 100 km/h in about 0.2 seconds. The referree came over, told me to calm down and then play continued. The guy in the penalty box apologized for his team mates, but it took me a while to calm down. I was shaking I was so angry, and it really was over something very small. But it's an isolated incident and blew over quickly like a summer storm. All is now good.

The point of all this is I've had a good fun weekend, even though I'm still rather bummed about this damned weight that the meds have put on my frame. But it's at the moment a minor irritation (last week early it was really bringing me down). I do so much work to try to budge it and nothing. I am going to bring up the topic of Topamax during my next drs visit, but I'm concerned about some of its side effects as well. I'm not exactly comforted by its nickname of Stupamax and Dopamax - it apparently makes you quite dopey during the first few weeks, if not during the whole duration your on it (it affects different people with varying severity). I was also told by a friend that it is one of the lesser powerful mood stabilizers, usually needing to be taken in conjunction with some other mood stabilizer. I'm doing pretty good on the Depakote and the Seroquel, except for the weight and the occasional case of the shakes.

So while I am going to bring up the Topamax, Rob is really cautioning me not to abandon any hard won stability I have just for the sake of vanity. He's said he's got no issue with me having to buy a size bigger in my jeans, as long as I'm stable and he doesn't have to worry about me getting hospitalized for my own protection again.

There may be some who read this who think, hey, you're the one on the meds, not him, so do what's right for you. And you're entitled to think that. But he's a part of this illness too, in the sense that my stability affects him very directly. He also (the fool) loves me and has a great deal of emotional investment in our relationship.

I feel good right now, right this very second. And if the doctor said to me this very moment that he didn't think Topamax was right for me because of "x y and z", I would nod and accept it.

I have a heavy week coming at work, and I'm sitting here typing, but also literally picturing in my mind a big box, wrapped in a big red bow, that holds the stability of the past few days. I'm going to try to keep that accessible at work this week and draw from it when I need.

*walks off into the sunset humming a happy tune, because I can't whistle*



Blogger moodymicello said...
I hope your big box with the great big bow is providing you with plenty of stability this week. These are the weeks that are rough on us. We tend to be more sensitive than others, more observant, more fragile during this season. At least I have found that to be true of all the bipolar patients I met in the various hospitals I've "visited". So take it easy and hum on into the sunset -- heck, maybe you should try to learn to whistle.  

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