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Thursday, March 24, 2005

I don't understand

I don't think it will come as a big shock when I say that a lot of women who play ice hockey are lesbians. There is a woman on my Sunday night team whose partner committed suicide Sunday. She (the partner) had been suffering from advanced fibromyalgia for years and just couldn't take it anymore. She was 47.

I couldn't go to the funeral because of time and geography limitations (it was clear on the other side of Toronto at 6 pm, just not feasible, and Rob's on vacation so he went for both of us). Rob gave me details on the whys and wherefores of the service. He seems to have the impression that my teammate might have known that her partner was going to do this.

I asked him, what would you do, in her situation. He said if he was in that constant pain all the time for that long, he just might do the same thing.

I sat in thought for a while.

Then I asked: why is okay for someone to do that when it's physical pain but not okay when it's mental? There was no judgment attached to the question. It is pure curiosity. And his response? "I don't know. I don't know that it is ever OKAY to do it at all".

This is officially my first bump in the road since adjusting my medications on my own last week.

I did tell you about doing that, didn't I????

I'll explain more tomorrow. My Seroquel's kicking in and I'm having trouble staying conscious.


Blogger Franikins said...
Actually, it does come as a surprise to me. I was planning in following in your skate trails and learning to play hockey when my fiance starts coaching...

But on a more serious note, I am sorry for your teammate's loss.

I don't understand either. Sometimes emotional pain feels like physical pain in its intensity and relentlessness.

But isn't it a different world because I still exist? I would not have touched as many lives as I have had I succumbed to the desire to end my emotional abuse and pain in a way that would have extinguished my bad puns and weird sense of humour, too.

And the same can be said for everybody here on blogger. Each of us touch people's lives. It is in our very brokenness and weakness that we are paradoxically given to power to touch the lives of others, bringing healing, support, and love.  

Blogger moodymicello said...
I understand the urge but I agree we don't have the right to do that to ourselves and others. 'we have a lot to give to the world; we have a different wah of seeing things which we can share. We have support to give to each other.and we have Love to give.and, last of all, as I have said before, Who will tell the children and what will they say?

Now, secondly, Blondzila, YOU ARE DOING WHAT WITH YOUR MEDICATIONS? EVERYONE WHO HAS A DEGREE IN MEDICINE RAISE YOUR HAND. Seriously, this souns dangerous. michele  

Blogger Franikins said...
Franikins timidly raises her hand)

I'm with Michele on the self doctoring...it can be dangerous. But I will wait for the splaining you're going to do in your next post.  

Blogger Dreaming again said...
Hmmmm, you know my opinion, it's not ok. The chaos left behind for your children to live through is unimagineable, and unexplainable. I could post on it daily, and still never get all my grief over my step dad's suicide out.

I understand the bumps, however. If you've read my blog in the last few days, you've read my biggest mountain decided to bump my road.

Just grab someone's hand and hold tight.

I'm thinking about you, praying for you (I know, you don't do that, but I do, so I hope it's ok that I pray for you! Cause, I think you're kind of neat!)

We'll get through it ok?

Sorry for your loss, and for your teammates loss.  

Anonymous Anonymous said...
It is Liz here from I speak of Dreams

1. Lesbians and sports teams--Out here in California, where hockey is rare, you can count on meeting a lot of lesbians in the adult sports leagues. Not an issue for me, and really shouldn't be for anyone else (unless you are unsure about your desire to have sex with women).

2. Unilateral medication adjustment...sounds like a bad idea to me. What does the pDoc say about tapering vs. abrupt changes in meds?

3. Suicide and chronic disease -- I don't know.

4. Suicide anyway -- there have been episodes where I've gone to a lot of Anon meetings, and the topic of being left behind by a loved one's suicide comes up fairly frequently. The anguish that it causes those left behind .... well it is pretty compelling to me.  

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