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Thursday, May 26, 2005

Purpose

I did some gardening on the weekend. Our house is on the corner and the city sidewalk extends down the side of our property. We have a hedge running along the side about a foot in from the sidewalk. I trimmed the hedge to encourage it to grow together and fill in (we've only been in the house 4 years and it was a brand new house when we moved in. The hedge is just a baby). Then I dug up some weeds that had got an early start in the garden running along the side wall of the house and extended the width of the garden out about 4 inches, making sure there's a nice trench to help in watering and weed control.

When I had originally put in the garden, I had put small field stones along the edge rather than a trench. In extending the garden I moved the stones (which I transferred to another garden on our lawn). In three separate spots, when I picked up the rocks, I discovered another little world.

The rocks were covering ant nurseries. There were dozens of small white eggs, and large holes in the dirt leading into other shadowy "rooms" where I could see the vague shapes of more eggs. It seemed that as soon as the rock was moved, the ant nannies went into action. They scrambled to the eggs and began to move them into the deeper, darker caverns. Their reaction was immediate. Filled with a sense of purpose, the ants knew exactly what they had to do: protect the eggs. And so they did.

I know this'll sound bizarre, but bipolar disorder is something like that. There are days where you are so filled with a surety of being, and an accompanying confidence of purpose. You are the person to do the job: paint, draw, save your neighbour's soul, win that next bet, save the world. You and only you. But the thing is that the same surety of purpose can turn on a dime, either to another purpose that happens to fly across your radar screen, distracting you off into a radically different direction, leaving yet another project unfinished, or it can disappear altogether. You become a drone in the egg chamber with its legs broken, sentient enough to know that you should be doing something, but crippled and despairing of what has been lost. Your focus is still narrow, but it becomes riddled with holes and pervasive darkness.

I bounce from supreme confidence to confusion to a hell of proportions I cannot truly describe. I know I'm not alone.

I know that the medications I take should even that out, and I know that I should be having less oscillation in my moods than I do. But the alternative right now is to increase the mood stabilizer one more jump upward. And for anyone who's been reading this blog for more than a month knows that increasing my valproic acid is not an option.

I'm getting blood tests done soon (I keep forgetting, dammit) and will then hopefully move up the appointment with the liver specialist, get the biospy done and then find out if I can then have statistical support in my quest to find a better medication.

Just reading the above, I know I'm babbling some. And I'm at work, just starting my morning. So, time to work. Enough blather.


Blogger Franikins said...
The ant nursery/ants with a purpose analogy is very perceptive. You have such a keen mind to make that connection.

Speaking of nature, the lilacs are just starting to bloom in northern Ontario here and we've had the wood stove off only for the last few days.

When is Spring coming to Canada?!!  

Blogger moodymicello said...
Who would like to join the society of BCA -- The Societyto Banish Cavalier Attitudes -- especially about Blondzila's liver, medication and weight.

All three are important issues. All three are real tangible things she deals with every day; they impact herlife and how she feels emotiionally and physically.
Hello, medical world, is there anyone out there who gives a damn???

Well there's one reason to bounce from happy to confusion to sad to'frustration to exhaustion and back again. You do well with the
small amount of valproic acid. Think what the right meds would do!

Hang in there -- we're all pulling for you!  

Blogger Dangerous Mind said...
Yep you are not alone!

I remember I used to feel like:

"I bounce from supreme confidence to confusion to a hell of proportions I cannot truly describe. I know I'm not alone. "


but thankfully no more.....
........hopefully a permanent change.  

Anonymous Banjk said...
That is a great analogy...one that I can easily identify with.

I think there comes a point, with many bipolars who truely want to learn to live with this illness, where we become *Aware*.

This Awareness leads us down a path that can be quite wonderful at times...

...sounds like you have been there for some time.

-Banjk  

Blogger xxan said...
"Accepting a new existence": you are so right ! Thank you for thinking of me, my sis, you touched me. I think of you too, and want to be a support to you.

Garden on ! I do it everyday, and I am so sure it is good for us BP's to feel about in the dirt with our hands, direct contact with mother nature. Healing.

Better than any (darned) pill !  

Blogger The Geefos said...
Reading your blog helps me feel less alone in this crazy mind of mine.

That split second move from productive energetic smiling chic to terrified lonely child is world shattering for me and everyone else in my life, but it happens so often that a shattered life becomes an everyday occurrence.

You will find the right mix of meds. We all will.  

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