These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Monday, May 16, 2005

Random Thoughts

Sorry, haven't updated lately. The doctor's appt for last Tuesday, where I was to get a referral for a second opinion, fell through: the doctor was sick. I have another appt for tomorrow night. I'll let you know how it goes.

I've also been thinking about how I try not to let the bipolar be central in my life, and sometimes I'm quite successful. But I know I can't ignore it: it makes itself felt, known, in various ways. I keep stumbling over it like a child's toy on the floor I forgot to put away.

For example:

I played hockey last night, the second game with the new Sunday night team. At one point I was dying for a change so I was yelling for my substitute to come on for me (hockey is one of few if not the only sport where you can substitute players on the fly - one of the reasons the game is as fast as it is). She was engrossed in the play further up the ice and I yelled again. I mean I REALLY YELLED (trust me, I have a big mouth and a healthy set of lungs to back it up) saying "LET'S GO! PAY ATTENTION". Later, after the game I apologized to the girl for yelling as I did (it was THAT loud). The hair trigger response, ramping up in intensity as it did, made me think "ok, was that a bipolar response or a legitimate one based on the circumstance?" I decided it was legitimate and went on. But the issue of BP still came up. I still have to overlay the template of bipolar symptoms on my day to day actions to ensure that I'm not straying off the "normal" radar.

Something else: I noticed that driving around Toronto has distinct smells. On my drive to work I pass a Molson's plant that smells like yeast. Then I pass another area that smells like wood: they make patio furniture. Sometimes I'm down by the lake and it has its own distinct smell. It's been raining for a few days and I can smell the rain coming in on the wind, smelling almost electric against the pavement.

One last thing: Overall check on radar. I'm hovering just under hypomanic. Money's flowing a little freely and patience is a little short. Mouth is running a little much. Gotta keep an eye.

Hope all is well. I'll let you know how the dr. appt goes tomorrow night.

Blogger moodymicello said...
Didja ever think that the bipolar zap is part of what makes you who you are? That ball of silliness; the quick wit and the quick reaction time all probably have a lot to do with the disorder. That racing mind makes you fast on your comeback. The extrovert, fun-loving Blondzila comes from that bipolar babe. So don't beat it up to be all bad. It just has to be controlled like you're doing. And look how lucky the world got to get you. You're a neat lady.  

Blogger Dreaming again said...
A couple of months ago, I sat in my pastor's office, at the edge of a proverbial cliff, ready to jump off ... just give me the slightest hint that it's OK to have an eating disorder, that there is no spiritual fall out or consequence and I'll be falling.

I told him that I remember the thrill of the fall, the adrenaline rush ...the exhilleration(my spelling sucks tonight!) and every reason in the world why I HAD an eating disorder, and for the life of me, I could not remember any reason why I'd want to treat it, or keep it under control. I had some vague recollection that the crash at the end could be painful.

He quietly said 'or fatal'.


I think, having an ED is part of me. I think it's a part of who I am and what makes me ... me.

But ... I don't want it to control me, but if I'm not careful, I'm tripping over it ...just like you. Like that toy in the middle of the floor that didn't get put away.

Hang on Blonzilla! Just because you remember you have it, and you have to pay attention to it, doesn't mean it's the whole you.

I haven't been by in a while, not sure why. I am going to be out tonight, tomorrow I'm going to try to get caught up with your blog you might wind up with several comments from me (grin).  

Blogger shrinkette said... okay?  

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