These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Sunday, May 01, 2005

Weekend Update

Hi there. Remember me?

Rob's starting to think that the reduction in medication isn't such a good idea. I've been (what he terms as) quiet. As well, my summer hockey season is starting in a week and a half and the Wednesday night league that I've joined (new one for me) has my first game at 10 pm on May 11. That is late for me. I will miss my 9 pm dose of Seroquel (can't play ice hockey stoned - just cannot happen) and it'll have to get pushed off til the game is done. Which'll be close to 11 pm. Rob's concerned that the sleep disruption'll put me off even further.

But I've spent good money for this hockey and I'm not going to give it up. Not all the games are at 10. They are 8, 9 or 10 pm. I'll manage.

But then, there's my head.

I find myself less able (willing?) to pull away from specific thought processes. Specific trains of thought (and the train kept a rollin' all night long...a line from a cool Aerosmith song). The paranoia is drifting in again the way snow does on a windy day, slowly piling up against the wall, so you know it's there but can't see it and can not be concerned about it, until it starts creeping up along the wall into the window frame, and you can see it. And you start thinking the snow isn't so beautiful anymore, but something made by the raw power of nature and something to be respected and possibly feared. I find the paranoia has done that: slowly made its way back, and I've been able to turn my head and pretend it's not there. But lately it's made itself visible to me in situations that it shouldn't, situations that deserve my full attention but don't get it because a portion of my brain is trying to figure out that particular Rubix cube of thought.

Do you ever have times where the thoughts in your head take a particular course and you stop, or better yet, the thoughts continue and you think in the splintered fashion that we do: how do I know these thoughts aren't normal? Maybe everyone thinks like this at some point. How do we know that it's outside of what is healthy and proper? I'm not saying suicidal thoughts: those we know aren't kosher. But just other thoughts. I can't believe that "normal" people don't feel paranoid too. Why can't I feel that way sometimes then.

Rob says the cycles are faster than they were. And he's said that he doesn't want to have to go back to worrying about me every minute of the day. I am torn.


Part of me says I can manage this. I can deal with the ups and downs.

But I don't live in a vacuum. I'm shorter tempered with Adam, which is not at all like me. I'm becoming a source of worry to Rob again.

We all know the pros of returning to a higher dose of the meds. The cons: weight gain (mind you, I've only lost 5 lbs coming down that bit like I did), the damage to my liver (retesting scheduled for September, the hepatologist giving me the time to see if I can find some way of letting my liver regenerate to a more healthy condition), and the cost: my benefits at my new job don't kick in until the end of May and each refill of the prescriptions are $300. No reimbursement. Straight out of my not-so-deep pockets. The reduction of the meds allows me to stretch of the effective length of a prescription, costing less money in the long run.

Well there you have it.

Rob and I are both going to see my pdoc Wednesday at 6 pm. I still hope Rob backs me up but I'm not sure what he's backing me up for anymore. To keep on the current meds decision, or to back me up by making sure I take a healthy course. The two aren't necessarily the same.

Blogger Dangerous Mind said...

Maybe I should not offer advice, but I will anyway.

Only you, Rob and the doctor know for sure what's best for you in terms of medication.

I think it's great that you're determined to reduce your reliance on the meds, and want to keep doing the things you enjoy ie the hockey.

But one thing does jump out from reading this blog. The price of doing so may be that you do NOT play the hockey games that start at 10pm if that is going to throw your routine out of whack.

Persoanlly, I feel that accepting that we need to slow down or adjust out behaviour is part and parcel of dealing with the BP.

But then that's just my opinion........


Blogger blondzila said...
:-) Never be afraid of offering advice.

I do need to point out that the hockey is a very healthy outlet for me. When I don't play, like this weekend, my mood becomes entangled and unclear. The highly kinetic and energetic game lets me focus outside myself for a while and is, as strange as it might sound, very cleansing. It helps keep me on even keel.

But you're right in that I have to weigh any detrimental effect it might have. I can't ignore it.  

Blogger moodymicello said...
As to the hockey, I see the cost/benefit analysis there. The exercise is excellent for clearing the mind...but the upset in routine is usually a bad thing. It is probably something you and Rob will have to observe and, in our case, opt for his opinion to be the deciding vote if things get rough. I know it is a blow not to be in control of decisions about what we do with our own lives, but we cannot sit back and observe ourselves in action...and what we recall isn't always aligned with reality. I am going through some memory "research" right now about things which I do not remember when my children were growing up. It is quite an eye opener. I would
encourage you to listen to Rob...he
seems to have your best interests
at heart. Michele  

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