These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Friday, July 29, 2005

Curtain Call

And the curtain lifts.

That was the genuine sensation late yesterday. A curtain lifting, the weight rising, my head higher, vision clearer and focus slowly returning.

It is times like these, on the rebound of the slippery edge of lost reality, that I really get a sense of where I was. It's like seeing something in the dark: you see it because of a minute sliver of light reflecting off it more than seeing the thing itself. It is the increasing light entering my mind that is letting me see the hulking presence that resides there.

The baseball game went well. I don't remember the last time I had such fun at a game. It was very late: the game went 18 innings, we stayed for 14. My sleep has been thrown off again and I could tell that my mood was moving back toward manic simply because at midnight, even after taking the Seroquel, I was awake. But this morning, so far, things are fairly even. I'm a little tired, but that's ok. Today was the first day this week that on the way into work I only thought once of driving into a bridge abutment. Now that's progress.

I'm at work, and concentration is still difficult. Focusing on one thing for more than 10 minutes is a bit of a joke. But at least those nightmare images of blood and gore aren't invading my mind. A step forward.

Hopefully the rest of the day I can make another step forward still.


Blogger Gigglezngrinz said...
I'ts funny how reading these blogs can be such a mirror image. Not the blood and such, I am fortunate not to have visions like those. But I can totally realte to the feeling of coming out of the darkness only to find that you are unable to function well on that level either....although it is a welcome relief and enjoyable feeling. The frustration of being unable to concentrate is much less distressing than where we have come from.  

Blogger joney said...
I am not sure if reading my own thoughts coming from someone else is comforting because I am not alone or devastating because someone else has to deal with it as well.

I hope you are doing ok.  

Blogger Squid Vicious said...
The problem with driving into a bridge abutment is that, if you do it right, you can only do it once. My problem is that I can't find the "perfect" one. I agree, only thinking of it once a day is progress, unless that "once" is ALL day.  

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Hey! I accidently found you,again! Hope you are well. I will try to catch up with your blog.
Take care of you!
Shannin
http://looneybindropout.blog-city.com
(formerly wiggywigs.blog-city.com)  

Blogger distantvoices said...
glad that curtain lifted, was a bit worried when I last read your blog,glad for you and your family...  

Anonymous broke said...
It's true for me too that I often spend long periods unaware of where I am, and that only with the return of the "slippery edge of lost reality" do I half glimpse the place I am leaving. This is a hard thing - hard to live with and hard to describe.
B  

Blogger xxan said...
long time, no hear :-)
Glad you still seem to be doing good in your job. I always admire bipolars that work. Probably because I can't. Moods swings force me to stay at home periodically (sick leave) and, as you can imagine, no firm accepts this.

When I have disturbed sleep, I can feel my manic coming up quite swiftly too. It doesn't take long.
Not enough sleep= > hypomanic => not enough sleept => etc... ...

Now, I can't complain, I feel quite good, but I have a bad bio-rythm. Much too late. Can't seem to change it. Keep trying.

I hope all comes in order with your mood ! !
sincerely,
Xxan  

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