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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The engine revs

Work is getting busier. It's supposed to. I mean, I was hired because of my "expertise" in my field, and to use that to help increase sales in our market. That's beginning to happen and they've hired an extra sales rep on the road as well, and those two things have combined to make things increasingly busy.

Phone ringing all day. Where's my quote? When's my delivery? Why didn't you call me back even though I only called you an hour and a half ago to request an engineered system that takes a full day minimum to sketch out?

I used to thrive on this.

Today: hands shaking, vascillating back and forth between wanting to kill someone and thinking of playing with knives again, unsure if I was coming on too strong in demanding more information from a particular sales rep known for doing things half-assed (I wanted to make sure he had all the details so it was done properly and not left for me to clean up when the shit hit the fan if it did), unsure if I should speak to the man who initially told me about this job, the only person there who knows I'm bipolar, asking him to keep an eye and let me know if I'm going too far.

I seem to be missing the gauge that says "enough already". I've been known for burn out, long before I was diagnosed. I know that the bipolar disorder has been there for years, but I believe that my big episode in September 2003 has left me different, changed. Not as strong. I'd love to say that I live by the phrase "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger". I used to truly believe that. But I believe that I've changed somehow in an intangible way.

I told Rob tonight that things are getting busier at work. He said that was good. I said that I wasn't sure, that I didn't know if I was okay to handle it.

He said "of course you can handle it. Just don't go changing jobs again".

I got irritated, saying "I KNEW you'd say that", and moved to the opposite end of the couch, not saying much for the rest of the evening. That was the one thing he just shouldn't have said.

But then again, I can't blame him. I mean, he's always so supportive. I can't blame him for being irritated now and again.

I've been antsy but quiet all night. I'm settling in, it seems, for a nice mixed episode.

Hurrah.


Blogger Dreaming again said...
Men! kick him for being a man ..then hug him for being supportive most of the time.

I hope things settle down ... inside and out. I don't know how you do it.

I've been working at the Habitat Restore to get hours for our house ...when it gets busy ... I feel stupid, and then I get shaky and I don't know what to do and when I have to ask for help ... I feel ... I don't know ... it's just a dingbat cashier's job ... I used to be able to do that stuff ..what's wrong with me now?

How much of it is lupus fog? How much of it is having been home for 15, almost 16 years ...how much of it is that I only do it once a week ..and how much of it is expecting too much of myself? How much of it is being too stupid to do it?
Doesn't help to reason it out in the middle of the chaos ...

Wish I could just give you a hug when you feel like that ...but I do understand ... (you know, I really do understand you far too much for someone who isn't bi polar .... )  

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