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Friday, July 08, 2005

Sight Lines

Tomorrow Rob and I are going to dinner at the Roger's Centre (formerly called the SkyDome) at a restaurant called Sight Lines. You have a good view of the playing field and the Argos, Toronto's CFL team, will be playing.

I went out today to see if I could find an end of season dress or something. I know this restaurant doesn't have a strict dress code but I don't remember the last time I went in more than jeans or cotton capris.

I left the store in near tears.

The sight of myself in the mirror was so disheartening. What happened to me?

I know that I've fallen off on the exercise. Driving that much further home every night has made it more difficult for me to find the time and energy to get in a run so I've substituted stationary bike rides which aren't quite equivalent. I made myself get up at 6.15 am today, 1/2 hr early, to go running. I am NOT a morning person and was barely conscious but I did it, 3 miles.

I have to continue it though. I am so disgusted with how I look.

On the way home from work there was a song on the radio by Bif Naked (a Canadian female rocker: she's cool). The song is called I Love Myself Today.

A snippet of lyrics:

I love myself today
Not like yesterday
I'm cool
I'm calm
I'm going to be okay
uh-huh

Usually that song makes me feel like I could just kick anyone's ass, strong and secure. It just reminded me of how much unlike my good old self I feel like.

Let's see how tomorrow goes.


Blogger broke said...
Just to wish you good luck for tomorrow - and well done with the jogging! God, I need to get back into exercising myself... haven't done anything for a year now..  

Blogger moodymicello said...
What did happen to you? You are still the same interesting, intelligent, artistic, loving, beautiful persono I met ono the internet, that Rob married, that gave birth to Adam...except you are more sure ef yourself in your battle to be in charge of your mind and your moods. and yes, your size is different -- I know this because I too went shopping last week...and I never bought that size before or had things pull where they pulled and bulge where they bulged. But I am still
me and I am a great person. I love who I am. Other people see me and (whisper) they don't know who I used to be so they don't think I am undisciplined and fat. Only I feel that way. Come on Zila, with thatt personality-----you're still a knock out!!  

Blogger moodymicello said...
What did happen to you? You are still the same interesting, intelligent, artistic, loving, beautiful persono I met ono the internet, that Rob married, that gave birth to Adam...except you are more sure ef yourself in your battle to be in charge of your mind and your moods. and yes, your size is different -- I know this because I too went shopping last week...and I never bought that size before or had things pull where they pulled and bulge where they bulged. But I am still
me and I am a great person. I love who I am. Other people see me and (whisper) they don't know who I used to be so they don't think I am undisciplined and fat. Only I feel that way. Come on Zila, with thatt personality-----you're still a knock out!!  

Blogger Manica said...
There is no worse feeling in the world than getting in front of that 3 sided mirror and realize the size you THINK should fit barely goes past your knees!

Why can't we be like men and just shrug and say, oh, well pass me the size 38 instead of the 34 babe and think nothing else of it?  

Anonymous Anonymous said...
Read what Michele said, a third time. Dressing takes a little more ingenuity when you are bigger. Go to the Land's End website and buy a simple top and skirt. (They have a virtual model that tries things on for you. Beats going in the stores. And they have all sizes.) Go to the Chico's website and buy an outstanding, colorful, "fun" jacket that matches the Land's End outfit. You are gorgeous! Gorgeous inside, gorgeous outside.  

Blogger The Geefos said...
This is why modern Western society bites. Men get older, gray, heavier, and sexier for some unknown reason. Women get older, gray, and heavier and told they are now insignificant for these three reasons. It sucks. And yet, I buy into it and cry when my jeans are too tight. I refuse to take meds with weight gain side effects. Superficial society infiltrates us all at times.  

Anonymous Banjk said...
Don't waste the energy worrying about this. If it's the meds, try different meds. Topamax actually makes some people lose weight. Geodon is weight neutral, so is Abilify. Avoid the other weight gainers if that is something that bothers you. I did, because it *did* bother *me*.

But don't bow to pressure. You are you. Nature is nature. Be comfortable with who you are. But don't let the meds or the disease control you. Find a new combo...just do research and discuss it with your pill doc. He SHOULD be open to your concern.

-Banjk  

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