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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Difficulty of Being Conscious

I've been finding lately that I want to be manic. I've been riding pretty high for a while (can't remember how long - a few weeks at least) and every time I sense some fatigue, or some shadowy thoughts, I deliberately PUSH myself higher.

Would I have done that before my diagnosis? Obviously I wouldn't have known what to call it, but would I have deliberately pushed myself into maintaining the engine idle speed at high? I don't know.

Does all this sound strange?

I don't like being tired. It's a waste of time. So I'm not tired. It's been that kind of train of thought.

Yesterday was an interesting day. I remember having days on end like this, before diagnosis, and it's been SO FREAKIN' LONG since I've felt this way: it was beautiful.

I was making jokes, I was mimicking this older German couple that called in (they were so cute, reminded me of my inlaws, who are long since passed away, and I'm amazing with accents so the whole office was laughing), I had both my bosses laughing at different things at different times throughout the day, Rob and I went to lunch and I had him going with some of my tales, I was rolling on the high seas of humour, I was productive, writing good quotes (but two customers called back asking where information was that I had missed), I was talking a lot, it just felt so damned good.

Now, two years ago, I wouldn't have known that this might be indication of hypomania (I don't think I'm really full blown manic), I would've just enjoyed the day.

I am now conscious of my disease.

Does that change my course? I don't think so. It just feels so good to feel so good, I think I would've done what I could to keep it.

that's a poem, or better yet, a song...dunno, maybe a Creed kinda thing without the Bible innuendo

(sung against a background of a soft acoustic guitar)
It just feels
So good
To feel
So good
I would
have done
What I could
To keep things
the Saaaaammmmmeeee (long stretched out word)

So, what do you think? Like mah song? I'm gonna make a mint....

But I do think that my book that I'm writing could do well. I keep meaning to transcribe some into my other blog that I have, that sits blank right now, but I think you guys would love it. It's got love, politics, crime and the power of one woman's love of her family to surpass all roadblocks.

Hey, that could be the back of the jacket. I'll be my own publicist.

HAHAHAHAAHAH (laughing my ass off).

Let's get it written first.

ANYway, I'm at work. Time to do something other than talk about myself.

Enough about me, what do YOU think of me....

Blogger distantvoices said...
Well, the song is garbage but the mood sounds perfect.Especially the bit about not being tired....lap it up  

Blogger blondzila said...
A songwriter I'm not :-)  

Blogger sansanity said...
ok i will admit to trying to sing your song to some 3 doors down song playing . weird.. i was just going to write kind of similar. but since you took care of it i can get back to cleaning!  

Blogger The Seriously Ill said...
I went for many years using what I now know was mania for success. I like being somewhat manic. I know the racing thoughts and talking fast drives people nuts but what the hell? The crashes into depression are the worst though and I don't think I can have one without the other.  

Blogger moodymicello said...
I think you're havin' the time of your life for the moment. Don't blame you for wanting to ride it out. (I can feel where you're trying to go with your song -- you just didn't get there yet) But eventually you could either go so manic that it hurts you or take that serious crash. what I think of you is that you are a beautiful person, funloving people person, but also an intelligent and soulsearching being -- watch out for yourself please my friend.  

Anonymous banjk said...
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh man! Last time I was riding that wave I got a very expensive trip to the 4th floor of LDS Hospital and a complimentary Charcol Shake! (Not to mention a lot of Relationship Repair.)

Be Careful. Have fun, but be very mindful of where your head's at.

And with that...the Spoiler will leave the building.


Blogger Jil said...
I know what you meam about wanting to be manic. I am really wanting that feeling right seems like its been so long. Its like a long lost friend that over stays its welcome...eventually eating all your food and leaving the toilet seat up. Have fun, but make sure the toilet seat stays down ;)  

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