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Saturday, August 20, 2005

Hmmm...

This blog entry is really me talking to myself. Sorry for the strangeness: I just needed to talk to myself for a bit in a way that I can remember what I've said (if that makes sense).

I've had some thoughts of late, cousins to the thoughts that just insert themselves into my head while driving and such, but these are not thoughts of harm or destruction or blood or anything the like.

I WILL NOT tell you what the thoughts are.

But they are strange enough, and I'm not sure whether I believe these thoughts or not. They're fairly innocuous, but strange enough that there's a small part of my broken brain that sits and says WTF was that? while the rest of my brain nods at the thought and says, hey, thanks for the tip.

I've also been thinking about my upcoming meeting with the new doctor for the second opinion. I've been play acting around the house today (I'm alone - Rob's at a course for sports first aid, but he's on his way home now), pantomiming and talking to the invisible doctor. And during one of these self-supporting skits, I tried to think of what I would say to the new doctor about the skits.

At the time, I told the new doctor who looked just like my face in the mirror, look, I'm only going to answer your questions SO honestly, because I'm smarter than that. I know what kind of stuff you're looking for and I'm not schizophrenic and I'm only a bit bipolar: I don't have raving rages that go for ages and I don't really get depressed and I only have small blips on the radar, and I'm pretty sure that my medicine isn't doing a damned bit of good, which it only would do good if I was severely bipolar and needed it badly. So I'm going to give you the answers you need and that's about it. I'm smarter than you think, far smarter and you're not going to catch me with your questions.

But then in my skit I thought that that wouldn't be the best approach to take because it might be perceived as belligerence and that in itself might be seen as a sign of something. Why the frig don't they just brand the scarlet letter on my forehead? Nothing I say will be taken normally. They all have hidden agendas, those doctors, and I have to be careful what I say. The last time I was interviewed by a new psychiatrist, I was in hospital in the G ward and unable to leave. I don't want to give him any ammunition to put me back there.

I also found that the last two nights, when my Seroquel started to kick in, I was getting really irritated. Not so much last night, more the night before. But both to some extent. And I was irritated because I am sick and tired of going to bed DRUGGED. I take it, half hour, forty five minutes later, I'm stoned out of my head and have to sleep. I want to feel the exhaustion of a good days hard work. I want to sleep because I'm ready to not because I'm so fried I can barely walk.

Ok.

Enough of this.

Rob's home. Time to play nice.


Blogger moodymicello said...
I've akways found that when I'm hypomanic or manic is when I start roleplaying or acting. Also irritability and belligerence are a sign of mania in rapid cyclers which I believe you, like me, are.
At any ratem the point I'm trying to make is that you are not quite yourself...at least not the one that is stable and making good decisions. It''s not necessary to roleplay your visit to the next pdoc. or to decide what attitude to take. You need to go in, be honest. Answer his questions, ask yourrs. tell him how you feel and what is bothering you. I've played with those rules with my pdoc for
the last three years and he has kept me out of the hospital for that three years - first time ever.
You waste a lot of time playing games. I'm a very emotional person and I say what I am feeling and I also say what I think about the meds. We have a free exchange of ideas. I think if you go in with that expectation...adult to adult the pdoc will perceive you as balanced, adult, not conniving and will be willing to exchange ideas freely. They are not all out to get you. There are some good docs out there who really care and will work WITH you.  

Blogger Gigglezngrinz said...
Stating your opinion is only belligerence if you are nasty about it. i had no problem telling my doc these are the meds I will not take. He was very open to my ideas, my problems with the meds. Im staying with him for that reason....he listens to me and doesnt treat me like Im some freak in a cycle.  

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