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Saturday, September 03, 2005

BBQ

My parents are having a barbeque today for my mother's brother. I don't say my uncle because as far as I'm concerned, he's not. I think I mentioned this in a prior post, but it's a bit of a long story.

Highlights:
My grandparents took in foster kids. They eventually adopted two, and there's a good age gap between them and my mother and her two other brothers. The first was a boy. He was always told he was adopted. The second was a girl. She was NEVER told, because my grandmother figured she had enough on her plate trying to cope with the fact that she was born deaf, never mind that she was given up for adoption. So no one ever told her, for fear of engaging my grandmother's wrath (sidebar: I'm positive my grandmother was bipolar. I've heard of some of her rages, and witness some pretty bizarre behaviour myself. She died of Alzheimer's when I was 8 months pregnant with Adam). About four years after my grandmother died, my mom's adopted brother decided it was time my aunt knew. So, he flew in from his home in Newfoundland, told her she was adopted (alone, no one knew he was doing it), then flew back to Newfoundland. My aunt was devastated. At the age of (I think) 42, she found out that EVERYONE in her life had lied to her for her entire life.

She is still trying to pick up the pieces, and not very successful.

When I found out what my mom's brother did, I flipped.

Now, don't get me wrong. I am not arguing with the fact that she deserved to know. Not at all. She should have been told 42 years earlier. But my argument is with his selfish unilateral decision. My two sisters are near fluent in sign and are the only ones in the family who are. My mother and her two other brothers (one of which has since died) never learned. I know some, but am not fluent. She and I can and do certainly talk with little difficulty. My point in the whole thing is that we should have ALL been there, and told her as a family, letting her understand that even though Gramma held this iron fist on this secret for so long, that we still loved her and considered her family just as if she'd been born of Gramma's womb. She was still the same zany and funny aunt I knew all my life.

Do you know I hardly see her laugh any more? That just occurred to me now.

Well, when I found out, I flipped. I phoned his house in Newfoundland and just ranted and swore and called him every name in the book and told him because of his selfish act I had no more uncle. He was dead to me and could rot in hell and I hoped that he did.

Today, about ten years later, he's up at my mom's at a barbeque. His son is starting a work placement for engineering school at the GM plant in Oshawa, just east of Toronto. So, he asked my mom to get the family together at her place so we could all see each other again. What does he think we'll do? All hold hangs and sing fucking Kumbaya?? Prick.

So

Everyone's there but me.

I'm apparently the only one who thinks it's hippocritical to go and pretend to be nice to someone I couldn't care less about.

And I've been sitting here today, having this growing certainty that they're there, talking about me.

The conversations start with him wondering where I am. My father, who called yesterday, said he would tell my mom's brother I was playing hockey. I said Dad, why don't you try telling him the truth? But they won't. I know it. So he'll ask, since I'm the only one not going to be there. And they'll say something. And then someone will bring up, eventually, why I'm still angry and then someone will bring up my diagnosis. The knowing nods will start: you know she's unbalanced, don't you? Never mind her, she can't help herself, poor dear. She's a little crazy.

My paranoia's well fed, thank you very much.

I've had this HUGE urge to pick up the phone and start a fight.

But I can't. Rob won't let me.

Ooops.

be back in a bit


Blogger moodymicello said...
SEND A CARD TO THIS UNCLE TO BE OPENED DURING THE FESTIVITIES, dEAR uNCLE ???????. tHIS IS TO REMIND YOU OF MY ABSENCE AND THE REASON FOR IT. yOU KNOW IT IS BECAUSE YOU FOUND IT NECESSARY TO TAKE IT UPON YOURSELF TO SINGLE HANDEDLY GIVE MY AUNT DISTRESSING NEWS WHILE SHE WAS ALONE AND THEN RETURN TO YOUR HOME LEAVING HER ALONE.SHE DIDN'T HAVE ALL OF US AROUOND HER WHEN SHE WAS TOLD SO WE COULD SUPPORT AND LOVE HER. oH nO. yOU TOOK CARE OF THAT. iT WAS THE MOST UNKIND ACT I HAVE EVER WITNESSED. i JUST DIDN'T WANT ANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS AS TO THE REASON FOR MY ABSENCE TODAY.  

Blogger blondzila said...
That's a nice thought. It's too late though. And my mother would have never forgiven me. But I like your way of thinking.  

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