These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Sunday, September 04, 2005

Fixated

I can't get off the fact that I'm positive that during the barbeque yesterday, that they were talking about me, about my condition, the fact that I'm a diseased person, that fact that I'm genuinely crazy, not the "oh she's crazy for going out barefoot in the snow" crazy, but the "she's crazy and belongs locked up in a mental ward" cuckoo.

I can't shake the certainty that they were talking about me.

My mom was on MSN this morning and asked what I did yesterday (instead of going to the barbeque). I told her the truth: we played 9 holes of golf at the course that opened just across the street from us, did groceries, baked a cake, had a nice dinner. She said things went well (I didn't ask, she just told) but that her other brother, my Uncle John, who was supposed to go, didn't. She said she wasn't surprised (they don't get along). Then I started thinking that they would start comparing me and my uncle John. Both avoid social functions, both everyone talks about in a bad way.

I asked my mom if my deaf aunt had been there. She said simply "no". I didn't ask why because that would have opened up the whole can of worms but I can't believe that she wasn't there. I don't know if she didn't go because she was depressed again (she's been fighting it off and on the past ten years, since my uncle turned her world inside out), or if they didn't tell her to avoid the awkwardness of the situation.

But I cannot get rid of this feeling that they were talking about me, still are talking about me.

I try to focus on other things and it's kind of like this:

time to do laundry
let's read some blogs
they were all calling me crazy and were talking about all the things I've done and how I should be locked up and that there's always something wrong with me and that maybe this diagnosis I'd told them about was just another ploy for attention
STOP
read some more blogs
whisper of paranoia
STOP I SAID
go do more laundry
fold laundry
You know that in the crazy ward if you're that bad they take your belt and shoe laces away. I wonder if she was like that when they locked her up
SHUT UP SHUT UP

This is what it's like to be in my mind right now.

Fun, eh?


Blogger sansanity said...
my response when people tsalk about me (and i find out about it) is to send them cards saying i was sorry i missed them and i heard they were talking about me. "sorry your life is so empty that you had to spend your time talking about me."  

Blogger moodymicello said...
i LOVE sANSANITY'S COMMENT.. bUT i THINK YOU ARE HAVING THAT FEELNG BECAUSE i THINK SOMEWHERE DEEP DOWN YOU FEEL YOU SHOULD HAVE DEALT WHITH THIS UNCLE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG AND YOUR AUNT IS WEAK. sOME OF US HAVE THAT RESCUER IN US. YOU, A HOCKEY PLAYER, i COULD BELIEVE IT. ADMIT IT YOU'D LOVE TO INFORM HIM HOW THE WOWRLD RELLY OPERATES. SMILE MICHELE  

Blogger mizeeyore said...
oh boy can i ever relate! i have had "the voices" talking to me and it sounds like a convention going on in my head, and then i hear these negative, Darth-Vader like voices telling me what a failure i am and so forth. i also have been socially withdrawn because i dont like being around people, because of my paranoia that they all are talking about me in some way.

my psychosis had gotten so bad that i started dissociating "zoning out" and rocking back and forth, and yes, my pdoc increased my Sugarquel, errrrr....Seroquel up to 400mg at night and 15mg Klonopin.

so hon, you are not alone.
Hugs
((((((((((((((((blondzilla)))))))))))

miz e

btw stop by my blog sometimes
"the brink of insanity"  

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