These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Saturday, September 10, 2005

Thought I'd share this

Shannin had mentioned in a comment to my last post that she didn't realise that thought insertion was a psychotic feature. I hadn't actually either: it was my pdoc who said so during my last visit on Tuesday, which was strangely enough the most productive and least overall stressful appointment I have EVER had with him in the two years I've known him.

I thought, hey, maybe there's other things we don't all know, or we thought things were worse than they are or better or what have you.

Here are two links:

Now, the thought insertion: I've had some thoughts just descend out of the blue and have wondered where the f*ck they've come from. And sometimes I do remember having a sense of no control over these thoughts, that they are coming faster and more insistent than I can overcome: pay attention to me, they say, do what I say, or at least obsess on me for a good long while.

The ideas of reference: I have had this happen not a lot but often enough in my life, especially when REALLY not feeling well. The past month I've had this happen in odd situations and is usually dovetailed with the paranoia. Example: I hear a noise that no one else hears. I'm sitting in a Quizno's (yes this really happened, about three weeks ago). The noise is getting louder and I'm trying to block it out. It makes it harder to hear anything else. Then three men come in, separately, one after the other. The noise doubles. Each one turns to look at me, one at a time, in the same sequence and time difference as their entry. I feel they are both knowing that the noise is trying to send me a message of warning and that they are sent to ensure I focus on it and are monitoring me to see that I accept the message and heed the warning.

Emotional changes: I definitely withdrew. In fact, I still am. But that's improving.

See why I was saying I was pretty screwed up recently?

When I went to my old pdoc Tuesday and we talked, and I made him listen, he told me that I should be taking part of my Seroquel, an antipsychotic, in the morning. I've been taking the whole 400 mg dose at night because of its highly sedating effects. He said that he is obliged to tell me that part should be taken in the morning.

We still have the issue of the valproic acid and my liver and how it is or not related to the weight gain and medication. But my pdoc said I've been lucky: I've had two years of relative stability. But we need to catch this current cycle right f8cking now before I end up back in the hospital. Hence the increase in the AP (antipsychotic) and the advice to take it not just at the right dose but at the right time.

So I finally agreed. I have been taking the increase (currently an extra 100 mg) first thing in the morning. There's a few hours of feeling slightly stoned, a bit unsteady, but when that clears....OMFG. I don't remember the last time the static in my head, the whispers telling me to be careful of this person or that thing or this event, I don't remember the last time the volume in my head was so low. For those who don't have the symptom, paranoia - real honest paranoia - is a really unpleasant thing. So its drastic reduction is a double pleasure: I don't feel the manic sense of superhuman intelligence and all-knowing power; what I feel is a clarity of thought I haven't felt in a long time.

For once I think my pdoc was right.

Blogger sansanity said...
great! it seems i have a lot of the alcohol induced hallucinations without the freaking alcohol!

actually those are GREAT references. I hope seriously ill and bipolar princess pick them up and put them on their help site.  

Blogger joney said...
I am glad that the change in medicine is helping. Intrusive thoughts can be a real nightmare and affect you in so many ways.

It is nice to see something work.


Blogger BotanicalGirl said...
I just wanted to say that I really enjoy your blog and that you are definitely helping people understand bipolar better, even if your readers don't always 'get it' the first time. I hope you'll keep trying to explain yourself so that we do understand.

I have major trust issues which lead me to always think people are talking about me and judging me, but I highly doubt it even comes close to your constant paranoia. I hope your new meds help.  

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I came up with the "impending doom" theory. When your heartbeat can be felt in your throat and time does a backslide. It feels as if 10 seconds go by for each second, and the feeling of dread or imminent danger is approaching. You don't know if you should burp, fart, scream, yell, sit, cry, eat, drink, stand, stretch, lay down, masterbate, sleep, run, or collapse, but you need to do (something) because the way you feel at that very moment is too intense.
(Either that or it's just my imagination. And you wonder why my blog is titled such?)  

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