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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Toilet Wars

Hockey season's back. I know that I played in the summer, you say. But for some, hockey's not hockey if there's leaves on the trees.

Those faithful few readers will remember that in addition to playing a couple of times a week myself, I'm the time keeper for my husband Rob's league. Their first game of the season was today. 7.40 AM on a Sunday and my ass's in a fucking freezing arena. I had the intravenous coffee going and would sit on my hands whenever possible (I tried working the time clock with my nose but it didn't work).

Again, those faithful few might remember the disagreement I had with the toilets in this particular arena.

Well, the ceasefire is over. The war is ON!

The toilets in this newly refurbished arena are those stupid sensor toilets, the ones that flush automatically when you get up. In theory.

Here's the problem:

When a guy goes pee, he gives his equipment a couple of shakes (three if he's lonely) and then he's pretty clean and dry and can zip up. I ain't built that way. To put it quite indelicately: I gotta wipe. And to do so, there's necessarily involved a bit of a shift in weight on the toilet seat.

This particular toilet is SO eager to do its job, its sensor is so freakin' sensitive, that as soon as I even think of shifting weight, it flushes itself. There's then this vortex of water below my most private of parts, causing a vacuum in a place that shouldn't be hoovered (well, not in that way, anyway....but what goes on between consenting adults is our business....anyway, I digress). It's a yucky feeling.

So then I have to finish my job of making sure that yes, Viriginia, she is clean and dry, and then the freakin toilet flushes again. ARGH.

I have to come up with a plan that will allow me to deke the sensor, like Mario Lemieux coming down on some hapless goalie (I'd pick Domenic Hasek).

But this is war.

Oh, yeah. And Rob tied his game and played well and everyone was happy.

The end.

Blogger sansanity said...
hey... if it's one of those with a infa-red motion sensor try putting a book or something in front of it.  

Blogger moodymicello said...
Maybe you have to hold down the seat on the side where you have lifted some weight thereby keeping a constant pressure applied until you have wiped. Then either (1) keep holding while you scoot off the seat (probably that will end you up with your tush on the floor and your head in the toilet... or (2) jump up quickly before the hoover comes on. (my preferred method). Sansanity has a good idea. Why couldn't they have made our sensitive to and motion sensor when we move away like the men's urinals. What is this the male engineeriing joke of the century?

Blogger joney said...
Ha toliet wars that rocks. I have fought with alot of inanimate things but a toliet never being one of them!


Anonymous Anonymous said...
Be a martyr: use the floor. It works for the bathrooms at the greyhound bus terminal in Atlanta. (At least that's what my wife tells me)  

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