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Monday, September 05, 2005

Whispers about me

This is an extremely honest post. I'm trying to give voice to what's inside me, without having to worry about judgment. But I'm positive that you'll read this and think, wtf, that girl's nuts. But I can't help it. This is what it's like in my head right now.
I talked to Rob about this, the previous post that is, and he said it's my paranoia, that he knows my family and he highly doubts they talked about me the way I think.

But sansanity - I love your approach.
And Michele - there may be some truth to what you say.

But I explained to it to Rob as:
I keep thinking about it not because I can't let go of the issue of his behaviour but because I'm positive they were talking about me. And because they were talking about me and how crazy I am, I get this defensive conversation going on in my head, kind of like "oh yeah? well, you're ugly", a response to the talking rather than a preemptive attack.

I was also contacted twice in the past week from people at You know, the database where you can hook up with people from high school etc. Neither of these women are people I had been particularly close to. One in fact I haven't really spoken to since about grade 6, except for one chance encounter in a mall when Adam was about 4. Both of them are asking to get together. I am afraid to. I am so socially inept right now that they'd know in a moment how unbalanced I am. Plus my appearance: I am so ashamed of how I look right now that I couldn't bear to be seen by them.

Another thing that's been sitting on my mind is the appointment with the second opinion doctor. It's tomorrow.

Originally it was at 2 pm. I have taken an extra days holiday to work it in to schedule without too much running around. Then they called me and asked if I would change it to 5 pm, because someone can't make it and they're desperate for the time. So I agreed. Then they called me on Friday and asked if I could change it again to 11 am. I had already made plans to go out to lunch with a friend who I haven't seen in at least 2 years and we were to meet at 11:10.

I asked the woman on the phone how long the appointment is and she said an hour, that I'd be out in time for my lunch date. I thought, hey, you guys can't even keep the time straight for more than two days in a row, how do I trust you to keep the appointment on time. And besides, who has ever been to a doctor who sticks to schedule. She then said, well, as you know Dr. Doyle is a great doctor. I said , actually, no I don't know that. She was silent a minute and said well he is, everyone speaks highly of him, but don't say that to him, his head will swell (I got the impression he was standing there listening to her). I told her that I was coming to him as a second opinion and I was rather jaded about the doctors so, yes I would change appointments again but I made her swear that this was the last time. She did.

It concerns me that the appointment is an hour. With the doctor I have now, appointments are never that long. It's a maybe 10 minute "have you been manic" interview, I say no to everything, he writes me a prescription refill and I go on my merry way. The last time I had an interview anywhere near approaching an hour is when I spoke to the social worker in the emergency room at the hospital two years ago. In fact, I would say we are probably within two weeks of my "internment" anniversary. I'm afraid of what is going to come out of this interview. I can't be overly honest because I'm afraid he's going to look at me and put me in the hsopital again. I mean, when I was interviewed by the social worker, I had NO FUCKING CLUE that he was going to talk to someone who would then make me stay. I went to the emergency room, unburdened myself of some of the thoughts I'd had, felt better and then wanted to go home. And as I walked out of the interview room, I was met by the social worker who told me no, you can't go. And I felt, this is the god's honest truth, I felt like the floor literally fell away from me, like I was falling from a very high place. It was an awful sensation. I can't let that happen again. So while I'm very happy that I've got a place to start for a second opinion, it concerns me very much about the length of the appointment. I'm afraid they're going to trick me the way the social worker did, that they're going to back me into a corner and I'm going to end up on the ward again, and then what will happen to my job??? Things there are hinky as it is.

One more thing: at work I've screwed up. It's a long story, but the brunt of it is a $10K order that was destined for receipt in New Brunswick, on Canada's far east cost, ended up in part being shipped to Victoria, BC. These couldn't be further apart geographically. The error was my fault. Then, another part of the order was made incorrectly at the factory, again, partly my fault (I ordered it wrong). So these two issues I've been trying to get resolved at work, but they were still outstanding when I left for holiday at the end of business Monday. I've had to leave the entire problem file on my boss' desk and I'm positive that when I return Wednesday coming that I will be reprimanded for my stupidity, perhaps put on notice to straighten out. I am seriously concerned about that. In fact, while I'm away, I'm positive that my head boss has spoken to my other boss, for whom I worked several years ago, and the head boss is asking the other boss for justification as to why I should keep my job. I mean, a $10K screw up is a big deal. I can almost hear the conversations if I concentrate (not like I'm hearing voices, but I can project into the sense of it).

I then was positive, and part of me still is, that the change of the appointments is part of a test, to see how I will react. And although there is a rational mind in there somewhere that says that this is just a hiccough in life, another part, the same part that is positive that my family was plotting against me at the barbeque, the same part that finds it more than coincidental that two women with whom I was hardly close have contacted me within a week apart via I think classmates is either choosing names randomly and is trying to get me to part with money and then I'll send an email to these women in return who will then see the email and say wtf? why would I want to contact blondzila again? Or that these women are just wanting to see what will happen so they can ignore me and make me feel like a fool.

What I'm trying to get across right now, and I don't know that I'm succeeding in conveying it, is that everywhere I turn right now, people are focusing on me: talking about me, plotting to make me look foolish, to exclude me, to include me and set me up for a fall, to make me angry, so angry that I show them the rage that I keep deep inside and then I get arrested.

It's funny really. Not a laugh riot, just interesting. I'm not stressed. I've been off work on holidays since the end of business Wednesday. I was off Thursday Friday and don't go back until Wednesday morning. I don't feel really anxious. I don't feel anything physically other than an almost-calm, not quite 100% but close. It is my mind that is on edge. It's not an emotional thing the way that I can see it, not a thing of mood. It is a thought process, or rather a series of them. This is an intellectual certainty, this on-guard posture against those who are against me. But as I type this, as I try to analyse what it is exactly that is going on in my mind and body, I can feel my heart rate increase a bit, I can sense my ears tuning in to the noises of the children playing outside. I know that they will be trying to walk across my lawn and I have to be ready to get them off. I mean, a small part of me says how sensible is that. They're kids for chrissake. But the larger part of my mind is not the one that recognises some strangeness in my thought process. I honestly feel right now that my thinking is in the right direction, that I have to be on guard against all those around me right now.

The only one that I let my guard down with is Rob, and even he got the brunt of some of this last night. I tried to explain to him how I was certain they were all talking about me at the barbeque and he let some of his frustration show. And for a while I was positive that he just didn't understand, that he couldn't see the plans within plans that were going on, that he was too far removed from the years-old family dynamic to understand that they've always tried to keep me on edge, to keep me on my toes as I parry their attempts to get to me.

I need someone to understand that this isn't a mood thing and that this isn't just about dealing with my mother's brother. It's a certainty of the colour of the sky around me, and knowing that it is darkening with the weight of all their stares, their whispers.

I need someone to understand that right now, there are few people I can trust, few people to whom I can show my true face, because those I do show will claw it off and stab me in the back as I try to defend myself.

I ask myself right now, where has this certainty come from. And the answer that comes back from within is that the certainty has always been there, it is just now that I am strong enough to be aware of the breadth of their deception, to be able to protect myself best now that I know its scope.

Blogger sansanity said...
hey blondi...
ok i have read and re-read and re-read this post. i don't see where you are nuts! sorry you haven't convinced me. be crazier and then get back to me.

my approach only works with people i don't give a flying F about. and that is where most of my family stands. one day i took a hard look at each of them and tried to decide if i would keep them in my life if i was not related to them. most of them did not make the cut. so i don't give a freak about their opinions of me.

but you have read my blog and know i have freaked out when i find out people whose opinions i respect are talking about me. I SO KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

hey, just skip the adventures. tell them you are busy.

and as for the dr's appt. 1st appts are always about 1 hour for the assessment.

and if you want whisperings... remember there is a crazy fat black chick in america whispering nothing but good things about her other half...  

Blogger moodymicello said...
Good evening, darling Blondzila,

I just have to get you over this worry about people talking about you. (1) they might be saying good stuff (2) what is the ntelliigence level of the people talking? (3) what are the values, manners, educations, life experiences, of tne people talking (4) I'd be honored to think I was interesting enough to be the subject of their conversation.

Putting all that aside, your key is it's an expected family behavior. So let em talk. After all everyone has a right to open their mouth and insert their foot.

As to Classmates, unless it is someone I knew really well, I don't make the effort. I put them off with my schedule is just booked solid. Your work probably doesn't allow you to get away often. right" Drop that one.

Don't worry about seeing people because of the way you look. I am feeling that way too I am 45+ pounds over my normal weight and I'm not happy about it. I don't have any explanation except added Effexor which is not a weight gainer. I did quit smoking and I must be snacking more than I realize. But you're not alone. . You're still pretty and ntelligent and fun to be with. Rob's not complaining so'hold your head up and promenade down the path.

Seriously, first appointmentss take about an hour for assesssment. The dr likes to know about your immediate familly, are they supportive of your disorder, What your daily schedule isi. What your job is like.Where do you have problems. What things bother you.
I always work into the conversation things that help me. Like journaling (blog), writing poeyty, reading aabout thte disorder and the medications, charting, etc.piano, ceramics, painting, scetching, for you: exercisint, playing hockey, painting, jewelry, Ebay; No doubtt he will find youu like to stay busy and are on the hypomanic side. If he asks about any thought you have that trouble you, maybe you should tell him the one about everyone talking about you saying that you are fat and stupid and crazy. I wouldn't tell him about the cutting dreams or the death thoughts or you may end up on your way to the hospital.
Remember yoou can turn the conversation toward things you want to talk to. Tell him you are scared about your liver and people not making a decision sooner. Tell him you are also apprehensive about starting a new medicine although it is probably the best idea. You will be surprised if you ask and get an answer for everything how quicly that hour goes. M  

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