These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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The history of babble of the modern psychotic blonde

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Sanity Optional
Friday, October 28, 2005


There is an odd tension inside me today.

I want to go home.

I want to cry.

I want to curl up and avoid everyone.

My job requires me to be on the phone all day. My mind is telling me not to speak for fear of giving myself away, bit by bit. They'll see what a shallow, hollow husk I am.

Needless to say, I've had better days.

I've been getting my sleep. Really I have. I don't know where this is coming from. But I'd like it to go away now. Please.
Thursday, October 27, 2005

Forever me

I know I've been lax in posting. The 50% increase in the anti-psychotic Seroquel that the doctor put me on just over two months ago had an immediate effect. It was like turning on a switch and the world was that much more clear. My thoughts weren't muddled with static and confusion and paranoia and manic energy. I could look outside myself and react to the world as it should be, not as my mind created it to be.

Yet today for some reason there have been reminders.

People were talking about me in whispers all day. My concentration was poor. My focus was non-existent. If I concentrated long enough, I devolved into a staring stupor, unaware some time later how much time had passed. It's a good thing my monitor faces away from everyone so my back is to the most of the office.

I'm tired. I've taken the evening dose of Seroquel and am not going to fight it tonight. I'm going to get some sleep.

Hope all is well.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Pirini Scleroso

That's a phonetic spelling of the name of a character from the old SCTV comedy show. She was a cleaning woman, apparently of eastern european extraction, who couldn't speak a word of English. She would simply grin widely and repeat back to everything that someone said to her, but as if she had marbles in her mouth.

I went to Tim Horton's yesterday (major Canadian doughnut chain) for some coffee and a travel mug because I left my travel mug at one of the three rinks I was at Sunday and don't think I'll see it again.

When I got to the front of the line, this was the conversation:

Me: Hi. I was wondering if you could tell me how much the travel mugs are?
Counter silly person (CSP): Traya mahr?
Me: No. A travel mug. You know. For coffee?
CSP: Oh. you wanna larch?
Me: No. A travel mug. I can see one in the display case over there. How much are they please?
CSP: Coffee larch?
Me: {sigh, needing coffee to calm homicidal tendencies now arising} Over there. In the display. It's about this big {making my hands show how big the standard travel mug is}.
CSP: {light bulb goes on} OH! You wanna EXTRA larch!
Me: ARGH. NO. You know what - just forget it. Can I have an extra large coffee with milk and sugar please.
{It's at this point that I notice this woman has a "trainee" insert on her name tag. Ah. Great. Put the non-english speaking person on the cash.}

I start to walk away then have a thought (should've lied down til it went away). The next cash had a young man operating it and he seemed quite well versed in English. I interrupted his service of the man beside me for a moment to ask if he knew how much the travel mugs were.

Good Counter Person (GSP): Yeah. They're around $5.
Me: Great.
{I get back in line, this time determined to see just this young man. CSP is eyeing me suspiciously, likely wondering what she'd done but I didn't give a shit.}
I get to the front.
Me: Could I have a travel mug please?
GSP: Sure. {Fiddles with the computerised cash register for a few minutes, then rings it in.} I'm just going to check with my supervisor that this is right. I don't sell a lot of these.
Me: {waits}
GSP returns: I'm sorry ma'am. We're all out.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Like I didn't already know...

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul.
Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God.



















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with
Monday, October 10, 2005

7 things

I read this on sansanity's blog and while she didn't tag me I thought it'd be a silly fun thing to do.

7 Things to Do Before I Die:
1) go on a cruise
2) finish my degree
3) write a novel that gets published
4) see my son working in the field he's aiming to (yes I know he's 14 but I know it's a hard road)
5) travel Canada
6) get off all bipolar medication
7) travel to the Caribbean (I know it's lame but I've never been

7 Things I Can Do
1) speak French (not 100% fluent but pretty good)
2) draw
3) paint
4) be a good mom
5) be very sexually adventurous
6) run (although not as well as I once did since the weight gain, but I try)
7) play hockey

7 Things I Can Not Do:
1) a cartwheel
2) speak Chinese
3) not get aggravated at telemarketers
4) answer the door if I know it's Jehovah's Witnesses
5) play the drums
6) skateboard
7) care too much about high fashion

7 Things that Attract Me to the Opposite Sex:
1) hands
2) physical power and confidence
3) no pretty boys - I want him to look like a man, dammit
4) dark hair (even though Rob shaves his head...he was dark haired when we met)
5) a sense of adventure
6) good sense of humour
7) being tall
And BONUS #8 a hairy chest

7 Things I Say Most Often:
1) I love you
2) ah fuck a duck
3) ya think?
4) Adam do you have all your homework done?
5) Could you leave that with me and I'll see what I can do and get back to you?
6) What do you want for dinner?
7) Get outta here!

7 Celebrity Crushes:
1) Ray Liotta
2) Rutger Hauer
3) Ed Harris
4) Michael Biehn
5) Mickey Rourke (now, not in his old stupid part of his career)
6) Tom Berenger
7) can't think of one - but if you'll notice, they all fall pretty close within the things that attract me to the opposite sex - no pretty boys

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Timing is everything

I don't believe this.

Three weeks ago, a good portion of people in the States were upset because of the not-so-subtle racial undertones that were surfacing in the situation in Hurricane Katrina's aftermath. Rightly or wrongly, the poor were the ones (for the most part) left in the New Orleans stadium, for I'm sure are for a variety of reasons that.

Years ago, in learning how to sell, it was drilled into my head that "Perception is reality". The customer, in believing that his current unit is garbage, then has a unit that is garbage. If the customer believes that the competitor's offering in this bid package is better than yours because it is white and yours is blue, then, sure as there are little green apples, his white one is better. It is hard to persuade people to NOT believe something. If they have no preconceived notions or beliefs, then the world is your oyster. But if they already believe something to be true, it is difficult (but not impossible) to swing them to your side and see and accept what you see as truth.

The devastation in New Orleans was only in part physical. The storm surge eroded layers of 21st century sludge that covered antebellum notions. This man sees things from one particular point of view, and his passion in his beliefs make this his reality, despite how you might argue with him. While I've never walked in his shoes, I can only imagine his anger at the apparent hypocrisy of his dinner neighbour. Those most priviledged can sometimes be astonishingly compassionate. These people aren't them.

He says "Can you imagine what would happen if it were well-off white folks stranded without buses to get them out, without nourishment, without hope?

Putting aside the absurdity of the imagery--after all, such folks always have the means to seek safety, or the money to rebuild, or the political significance to ensure a much speedier response for their concerns – can you just imagine?"

What would Bennett say to this man?

And in the move toward the future, it is possible that the city planners have other things in mind. The demographics in New Orleans are already changing, in ways some call “ethnic cleansing.” Before the second evacuation just prior to Hurricane Rita, those returning to New Orleans were largely white, "while those with no homes to return to are overwhelmingly black." Apparently, the more expensive properties in N.O. are those at higher altitudes. Therefore, the more affluent neighbourhoods turn out to be the whitest, and, coincidentally, the driest: "the French Quarter is 90 percent white; the Garden District, 89 percent; Audubon, 86 percent; neighboring Jefferson Parish, where people were also allowed to return, 65 percent". Those areas that were dry, like Algiers, that also had significant populations of low-income Afro-Americans, were left empty because in all the money that was being spent on the rebuilding of New Orleans there was little or nothing for transportation for those citizens left in far-off shelters. Those whites who drove out of town in their SUVs in advance of the storm could return under their own power.

Also, there's a strangely high vacancy rate in New Orleans more affluent neighbourhoods. Rather than lower rents, landlords would board up their properties. But how many of those would be open to the 150,000 Katrina refugees? In the neighbourhoods of gardens and historical homes, how would Bennett feel if he lived there and they decided to open the vacant real estate to lower income blacks? Would he move? Would he protest? Would he double his security system?

Bennett and his supporters have said that his words have been taken out of context, that what he described would be morally reprehensible. My question is does he believe that it is reprehensible becaues it is abortion (meaning another method of eliminating extra African-Americans would be acceptable) or that it is reprehensible because of the implication of murder (I can't get past that one to give him the benefit of the doubt)? Because I don't think he gets the larger connection he has made between being black and crime. His implication is that the two go together like arthritis and pain, impossibly intertwined.

Bennett's timing is bad, but it could've been worse.

Somehow I think, though, had he said this three weeks ago, the lynch rope would've been out.

Copyright © 2005 Blondzila (because no one else would own this).

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