These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005


Thanks everyone for the kind support. That day wasn't a good one at all. There is a highway I take coming home, #410. It ends at another highway, the #401 (my friend Jim reads this and knows me in RL, and will know where these highways are). The 410 splits in two at the top of a very high ramp to go to either 401 east or west. At the juncture of the split is a barrier. A strong, pointed barrier. It took an immense push of will and an incredible internal struggle to turn my car infinitesmally to the right, to go to the 401 west to go home and not drive straight into that barrier. I was quite shaken by the depth of my desire to plough straight into it.

I realised also that I've not been filling up my dosette properly again (the little old lady pill separator thing). I've been missing some of my anti-psychotic Seroquel, which would explain a lot.

But I read something on ombren's blog, while she was filling out the mental health meme, about the shame and the frustration with being mentally ill. I'm paraphrasing but she referred to the "dis-ease" of disease, of being uneasy with the state we find ourselves in once given the label of mentally ill. I don't know that I'll ever get beyond that. Sure I'll have more lucid and productive days, more manic or more confident, more secure or more strong. But there will always be a part of me that will be wondering where I went wrong, what I have done to end up walking the road I do. DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I understand intellectually the process of genetics and the theories of the biochemistry that help explain why I can't always rely on my own sense of reality. But there is always going to be a gap of varying width between my intellectual and my elemental self. And it is the elemental self that will always harbour that insecurity.

Now, all that said, I've had a good few days. But things are looming, things of real solid fact.

Rob's final day at his job was just shy of three weeks ago. But the VP of Operations asked him to stay on and do a special project for a few weeks. He will be done that project either tomorrow or Friday. And then: nothing. He's come so close to two other jobs, to be disappointed. I asked him today after dinner if he had a plan beyond that. He does: he will hit some more employment agencies and then if he has nothing within two weeks (when his last paycheque runs out) he'll go for temp and part time jobs until the big full time one he's looking for comes through.

Christmas is less than 2 months away. Adam needs new running shoes. I haven't had a new winter coat in about 8 years and the pockets are falling off the one I have - the snow will be here before we know it. My licence and my plates are both coming due at my birthday in early December.

I'm afraid. I've been dirt poor before during my first marriage: my father in law had to drop by a case of formula now and again because we didn't have the money to feed our own damned kid. My mother was in tears when I moved back home and she did my laundry (I left with Adam in one arm and a bag of clothes in the other, nothing else). I can remember this quite clearly: she was holding up a pair of my underwear, which were being held together essentially by the elastic. Oh, she said sadly, you were not raised to be this way. You were raised to be better than this, she said, crying.

I'm afraid. I trust Rob. I want to trust him completely. But part of me is in reserve, watching. I've even offered to get a second job. He tersely rejected that idea. Now would be the ideal time to apply, as stores are ramping up for the xmas season. But no.

It's a good thing the meds are working right now. Because that highway divider would look mighty tempting with all this on my mind otherwise. The meds, and the fact that I couldn't leave my son. I need to see him to the end, to adulthood at least, successful and sound. I have to keep that goal in sight because I am afraid that soon it'll be all I have to keep going.

Anonymous Anonymous said...
I dream of doing the same thing every day, only just driving into the path of a large truck as we have no divided highways here.

People who said money isn't everything never had to live without it. I understand your concern and worry and hopefully things will work out. He sounds like he will land on his feet so you are right to have faith in him!  

Blogger Jil said...
Man, it seems this time of year is tough on alot of us. Do you find that you are down more in the winter? I know I am. Keep hope, things will work out...I always tell myself that when things seem shitty...and it always does work out one way or the other. I too get the feelings of running my car off a bridge or something, sometimes its a really strong feeling and hard to escape the urge...but Im glad you didnt do it.  

Blogger dan said...
I've been looking for a year for a new permanent job. It's not easy. But I've always been able to find temp work, or projects... and your man sounds much more qualified than I.

It sounds like you have enough worries one day at a time without having to deal with some time from now.

Work on today, tomorrow will come whether or not we want it to.  

Blogger BipolarPrincess said...
I hate this disease. Every decision I make is questioned, every move-calculated. I want to run away.

:* Princess  

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