These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.
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Sunday, November 27, 2005

River

I've deleted my previous post.

There are people in life who deserve to get trouble. There are people who deserve attitude and discomfort, because they carry themselves through life negatively impacting everyone around them.

Then there are others. Others who do nothing but try their best to treat others with decency and respect. Who reach a hand out to help, to brush hair back from a sweaty brow, who steady a faltering step, who give of themselves and ask little in return.

My sister is one of those.

And I've deeply hurt her.

All she wants is friendship. I don't have many friends, actually I don't know if I have any friends, and it's because I don't know how - or when I do I'm too comfortable in my self-isolation - to be a good friend. She says she loves me and I'm not sure why. I've never given her much in the way of the support that she's given me. I sit in my little house, holding myself apart from others and thinking that's okay. I don't know how to be real with people: those of you out there with BP - we've all talked about this before, how being with others you select a mask and put it on, appropriately playing the part that matches the scenery, not because you are insincere but because you can't let the world see the real you.

Because you don't know who the real you is. The quicksand on which we live leaves us dancing, knees high, step to step, to keep from sinking and drowning, breathing in raspy lungs of abrasive rock.

My mom's always told me that I've too sharp a tongue and that one of these days it's going to get me into trouble. Mother's always right, isn't she?

I hope, my sister L, that I can once in a while be kind enough to you to reflect even a fraction of what you've done for me in my life. It'll never be enough to unring the bell, and it's never going to be close to the kindness you deserve.

And don't worry. Rob's home soon. I'll be fine.


Blogger Paul (rock star wanna be) said...
Wow,
I blog surfed onto yours. You have articulated my life perfectly. Every time I attempt to explain my isolation, I appear to come off arrogant.

To be honest, I can never fully explain (or even comprehend) why I am like I am.

I have a wife and kids who are social butterflies. I am not.

Agagin, I beleve you have captured what I've spent 39 years trying to say. I've bookmarked you
Peace  

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