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Tuesday, November 22, 2005


I have caught Rob's cold.

I sound like Bea Arthur with a frog in her throat. Lemme tell ya, it's a sexy sexy thing.

On the way into work this morning (because like an idiot, I mean, trouper, I'm not staying home - too bored there), Freak on a Leash by Korn was on. That song always gets me going, blood pumping, head banging. I'm almost 37 and I listen to the same music my teenage son does. One of us is weird. I think it's me.

I'm working on a project at work with a natural gas company, trying to coordinate this equipment manufacture to their specifications, which have changed 5 times in the 4 1/2 weeks since we received the PO. The stupid part is that they keep signing the approval drawings, effectively saying yep, we like it. Then some other engineer pipes up and says, hey wait, wouldn't it be neat if we could paint it blue AND have it whistle Dixie at the same time?


Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts.

Speaking of beer:

There is a section of business that my company is involved in that is predominantly centred on the brewing industry. We supply millions of dollars of product per year to breweries big and small: Molson's, Labatt's, down to little mom-and-pop u-brews. I got invited to a "vendor appreciation night" at Canada's third biggest brewery (Sleeman). I avoided responding. Because you know if you avoid things they do always go away. She finally called and basically said are you coming or what. I referred her to my manager.

He's going in my place. I told him that I wasn't very good at events like that. He said "You likely would be good, but you just think you wouldn't". There's some truth to that, but there's two reasons for my hesitation:

1) I'm an alcoholic. Putting me in a brewery surrounded by free beer, with everyone around me drinking beer, probably isn't a good idea.
2) I'm finding more and more that I am uncomfortable in social situations where I don't know many people. I've lost my confidence to be the centre of attention social butterfly I used to be. Like a lot of people with BP, being in a situation like that makes me feel like I have to be "ON", shining smile, rapier wit, centre of attention and guarantor of a great time for all. And the danger of that is that once that "ON" feeling leaves, you either continue straight up, or you fall because the scaffolding you've built has been moved by your internal social committee and no one told you.

For example, recently, Rob's ex company sponsored a table at a "gala" for a foundation that sponsor wishes for terminally ill children. Rob went as a guest of a vendor he dealt with while he was there. He splurged and got a tux, and was picked up by a stretch limo. He asked if I wanted to go, but I didn't think I'd feel very comfortable. And besides, if I went, I'd miss one of my hockey games. C'mon! What's a girl to do?! I've gone to other events with him and I couldn't imagine sitting around trying to be civil to these people that I don't even know. It's such a stretch, such a change from before. Now, I'd be more likely to tell them all to fuck off, or to spend a good part of the night sitting in a bathroom stall, just because it's the most convenient place to hide. Rob enjoyed himself anyway and I'm glad he's able to do that, that he doesn't feel it necessary to always have me with him to have a good time.

So I'm not going to the vendor appreciation night. I'm going to stay at home with my family, where I feel safest. I guess that's a lot of what this boils down to: safety.

And tonight I'm going to go home and just have a good bowl of hot soup, to think if I can get rid of this frog.

Blogger dan said...
3) Beer isn't good on a sore throat.

And my mom listens to some harder music than I do sometimes. I find as her child that I am proud my musical tastes were related to hers.

But there is something disquieting when my mom fires up GnR's Appetite for Destruction...  

Blogger moodymicello said...
It's unsettling to realize and admit that you are not the same in social situations. It depends on where I am in my cycle whether I can "shine" in a social situation or not. When I can't, I just don't attend, like you, and I mourn the loss of this part of me. I think the hardest part of this disorder is the losses of ourselves that we suffer. Create a new person -- that's the best we can do. m  

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