tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78516072011-04-22T01:06:20.892-04:00These are my thoughts. They are not meant to make sense. They are my echo into the woods. I am the tree that falls, and it is here that I make a sound.blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.comBlogger2531100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1133737671873395662005-12-04T17:26:00.000-05:002005-12-04T18:07:51.960-05:00

Well, I've taken the past week and done a lot of reflection.Things I've come across:1) I realised that from Friday last week to mid Sunday I missed all my medication. That's a significant loss of drugs for me. It has affected my judgment big time for then, and the remainder of the week.2) My pdoc screwed up. Again. I realised last night that my most recent prescription was filled

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1133189035353336382005-11-28T09:40:00.000-05:002005-11-28T09:43:55.370-05:00

I want to close my blog.Rob is making it very clear to me that he wants me to keep it going. He said that he knows what it would do to me to lose this outlet, even though I can't rely on it the way I thought I could.So.I have choices to make.If I'm not here for a while, don't worry. If the blog closes, please don't worry. It just may morph into a different one, using a different name, and a

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1133132923665617242005-11-27T18:05:00.000-05:002005-11-27T18:08:43.676-05:00

What a fool.I've hurt my two sisters.I've said awful things and I can't unsay them.Apparently I've been saying awful things for years, but didn't know it.They're never going to believe me. Never going to trust me.And they both now think that my behaviour is imitated by Rob. And maybe by my son. But it's not.I'm the one who says idiotic things. Not them.We never said a word before you opened

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1133113478862423192005-11-27T12:35:00.000-05:002005-11-27T12:44:38.863-05:00

I've deleted my previous post.There are people in life who deserve to get trouble. There are people who deserve attitude and discomfort, because they carry themselves through life negatively impacting everyone around them.Then there are others. Others who do nothing but try their best to treat others with decency and respect. Who reach a hand out to help, to brush hair back from a sweaty brow,

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1132747909392481652005-11-23T07:06:00.000-05:002005-11-23T07:14:43.816-05:00

I went to work yesterday with my cold even though I know the company is very vocal about people staying home when sick (the average age in my office is probably 59-62) because they are older and don't need it. I went specifically to look after the issue with the drawing for the engineers.I never got the drawing from our fabricator until about 4 pm and then it was awful, not even close to what we

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1132668979877999102005-11-22T08:55:00.000-05:002005-11-22T09:16:19.950-05:00

I have caught Rob's cold. I sound like Bea Arthur with a frog in her throat. Lemme tell ya, it's a sexy sexy thing.On the way into work this morning (because like an idiot, I mean, trouper, I'm not staying home - too bored there), Freak on a Leash by Korn was on. That song always gets me going, blood pumping, head banging. I'm almost 37 and I listen to the same music my teenage son does. One

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1132195954846966262005-11-16T21:38:00.000-05:002005-11-16T21:52:34.880-05:00

You know, I really kid myself sometimes. I tell myself I don't get depressed. And I don't. Not really. I get into these funky mixed states where I have the mindset of depression but the energy of mania. It's great for those long lonely car trips. What is my drug of choice? Why, my pretty, it's driving alone and figuring out the many ways they could find me.Now don't get me wrong. I'm not

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1132103000665245362005-11-15T19:58:00.000-05:002005-11-15T20:03:20.680-05:00

Best, because it's so near to the truth, so close to the bone that it beats with primitive arterial truth."Do you know what it feels like to be crazy, Rusty? Really crazy? To not be able to get any hold of who you are? You never feel safe. I feel like every step I take, the ground is soft. That I'm going to fall through it."Taken from "Presumed Innocent" by Scott Turow.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1131903524578978032005-11-13T12:30:00.000-05:002005-11-14T15:59:11.203-05:00

I got this from Manica. I think I saw it (or something similar) on broke's blog as well. It's not original, believe me, and I've added in these three sentences so no one gets the wrong idea (I might be being paranoid but I don't want anyone upset with me just because I didn't - rightly - attribute the original source).QUESTIONS FOR THE MENTALLY ILLWhat is your diagnosis?Bipolar DisorderWhen

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1131382269871483482005-11-07T11:50:00.000-05:002005-11-07T11:51:09.886-05:00

scattered scattered scattered scattered Light BULB scattered scattered scattered

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1131365064373430402005-11-07T07:00:00.000-05:002005-11-07T07:04:24.386-05:00

Rob's "special project" has been extended: they want him back for one more week at work. So the axe has yet to fall.I feel somewhat better, both on this news and after a weekend full of successful hockey. Rob said watching me play Saturday night that it was probably the best game he'd ever seen me play and Sunday night was pretty good as well. I'm getting better as a player and it's such an

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1130933171618942582005-11-02T07:01:00.000-05:002005-11-02T19:07:40.183-05:00

Thanks everyone for the kind support. That day wasn't a good one at all. There is a highway I take coming home, #410. It ends at another highway, the #401 (my friend Jim reads this and knows me in RL, and will know where these highways are). The 410 splits in two at the top of a very high ramp to go to either 401 east or west. At the juncture of the split is a barrier. A strong, pointed

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1130507237923840142005-10-28T09:45:00.000-04:002005-10-28T09:47:17.940-04:00

There is an odd tension inside me today.I want to go home.I want to cry.I want to curl up and avoid everyone.My job requires me to be on the phone all day. My mind is telling me not to speak for fear of giving myself away, bit by bit. They'll see what a shallow, hollow husk I am.Needless to say, I've had better days. I've been getting my sleep. Really I have. I don't know where this is

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1130463676093642962005-10-27T21:37:00.000-04:002005-10-27T21:41:16.106-04:00

I know I've been lax in posting. The 50% increase in the anti-psychotic Seroquel that the doctor put me on just over two months ago had an immediate effect. It was like turning on a switch and the world was that much more clear. My thoughts weren't muddled with static and confusion and paranoia and manic energy. I could look outside myself and react to the world as it should be, not as my

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1130241916453331122005-10-25T07:54:00.000-04:002005-10-25T08:08:14.303-04:00

That's a phonetic spelling of the name of a character from the old SCTV comedy show. She was a cleaning woman, apparently of eastern european extraction, who couldn't speak a word of English. She would simply grin widely and repeat back to everything that someone said to her, but as if she had marbles in her mouth. I went to Tim Horton's yesterday (major Canadian doughnut chain) for some

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1129548046625208702005-10-17T07:20:00.000-04:002005-10-17T07:22:53.896-04:00

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul.Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God.atheism67%agnosticism63%Paganism58%Satanism46%Buddhism46%Judaism33%Christianity25%Islam8%Hinduism0%Which religion is the right one

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1128950459127351352005-10-10T09:05:00.000-04:002005-10-10T09:20:59.143-04:00

I read this on sansanity's blog and while she didn't tag me I thought it'd be a silly fun thing to do.7 Things to Do Before I Die:1) go on a cruise2) finish my degree3) write a novel that gets published4) see my son working in the field he's aiming to (yes I know he's 14 but I know it's a hard road)5) travel Canada6) get off all bipolar medication7) travel to the Caribbean (I know it's

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1128169800571256782005-10-01T08:15:00.000-04:002005-10-01T13:00:15.836-04:00

I don't believe this.Three weeks ago, a good portion of people in the States were upset because of the not-so-subtle racial undertones that were surfacing in the situation in Hurricane Katrina's aftermath. Rightly or wrongly, the poor were the ones (for the most part) left in the New Orleans stadium, for I'm sure are for a variety of reasons that.Years ago, in learning how to sell, it was drilled

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1127836192705073762005-09-27T11:43:00.000-04:002005-09-27T11:49:52.713-04:00

Rob quit his job today.No he doesn't have another one yet. But he was having chest pains (his father had his first heart attack at Rob's age), he's been throwing up in the morning before work (and not telling me), he can't sleep, he's not eating right. I tried to get him to wait until the end of the week (he's positive he was getting fired), but he can't. And I can't make him stay somewhere

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1127393921389672012005-09-22T08:48:00.000-04:002005-09-22T09:00:09.100-04:00

I got this from just tenured. It's an interesting exercise in how things change, or perhaps don't.Rules:1. Go into your archive.2. Find your 23rd post (or closest to).3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.Which ends up to be, for me:"Why am I going to get fired?"I read the whole post and I was extremely paranoid and

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1127076656871679892005-09-18T16:41:00.000-04:002005-09-18T16:50:57.750-04:00

Hockey season's back. I know that I played in the summer, you say. But for some, hockey's not hockey if there's leaves on the trees. Those faithful few readers will remember that in addition to playing a couple of times a week myself, I'm the time keeper for my husband Rob's league. Their first game of the season was today. 7.40 AM on a Sunday and my ass's in a fucking freezing arena. I had

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1126910076757328162005-09-16T18:31:00.000-04:002005-09-16T18:34:36.763-04:00

I bought the CSI PC game last weekend.I have therefore spent many hours...MANY long FREAKIN hours, listening to Catherine Willows be snarky with me when I ask her for a hint because I can't find another clue and Jim Brass is a dick head.It's good that my new meds are working otherwise I would start thinking the game really was getting personal with me. I'd have to punch the monitor to get

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1126355914461246532005-09-10T08:17:00.000-04:002005-09-10T08:38:34.870-04:00

Shannin had mentioned in a comment to my last post that she didn't realise that thought insertion was a psychotic feature. I hadn't actually either: it was my pdoc who said so during my last visit on Tuesday, which was strangely enough the most productive and least overall stressful appointment I have EVER had with him in the two years I've known him.I thought, hey, maybe there's other things

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1126059736863429922005-09-06T22:04:00.000-04:002005-09-06T22:22:16.873-04:00

I really appreciate your input, you two. Your comments mean more to me than you might think.But I still don't think you 100% understand.If I had written the post that I did, but instead of saying that I was paranoid, thinking everyone was talking about me, and I had instead written that I was depressed and couldn't get out of bed, would you have told me to buck up and things'll get better,

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125934767336370352005-09-05T11:10:00.000-04:002005-09-05T11:48:20.200-04:00

This is an extremely honest post. I'm trying to give voice to what's inside me, without having to worry about judgment. But I'm positive that you'll read this and think, wtf, that girl's nuts. But I can't help it. This is what it's like in my head right now. I talked to Rob about this, the previous post that is, and he said it's my paranoia, that he knows my family and he highly doubts they

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125862092075273182005-09-04T15:19:00.000-04:002005-09-04T15:28:12.100-04:00

I can't get off the fact that I'm positive that during the barbeque yesterday, that they were talking about me, about my condition, the fact that I'm a diseased person, that fact that I'm genuinely crazy, not the "oh she's crazy for going out barefoot in the snow" crazy, but the "she's crazy and belongs locked up in a mental ward" cuckoo.I can't shake the certainty that they were talking about me

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125793806101283222005-09-03T20:15:00.000-04:002005-09-03T20:30:17.506-04:00

My parents are having a barbeque today for my mother's brother. I don't say my uncle because as far as I'm concerned, he's not. I think I mentioned this in a prior post, but it's a bit of a long story.Highlights:My grandparents took in foster kids. They eventually adopted two, and there's a good age gap between them and my mother and her two other brothers. The first was a boy. He was always told

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125661207054996182005-09-02T07:26:00.000-04:002005-09-02T07:40:07.063-04:00

My heart really goes out to all those people living the disaster that is the Gulf Coast, particularly New Orleans. I can't imagine the fear and desperation.BUTFor those who have been shooting at policeFor those who have been shooting at rescue workersFor those who have formed gangs and are prohibiting others from leaving the Convention Centre, raping and brutally dealing with their neighboursFor

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125401062607244252005-08-30T07:14:00.000-04:002005-08-30T07:24:22.610-04:00

Adam got his ear pierced last Monday (a week ago yesterday). He's actually been asking me since he was about 7 to get it done and his father finally agreed.He's been taking care of it, cleaning and turning it when he's supposed to, without prompting.Then he went to his father's on the weekend like normal.A few weeks ago we talked about how's he's going to get to and from high school, which is

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125336415972346942005-08-29T13:07:00.000-04:002005-08-29T13:26:56.010-04:00

Rob and I had lunch together today, which is good. It's so nice working so close together (we're about a mile apart or less).I was really nasty this morning. I lost my patience with one of our sales reps and banged the phone on my desk like a hammer. The other two women in the office looked at me a bit strange and I said "I have zero patience today, can you tell?" The other woman made a bit

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125321561473911522005-08-29T09:12:00.000-04:002005-08-29T09:19:21.480-04:00

I had a really good weekend. I told Rob yesterday that this weekend is the first in a really long time that I felt almost "normal", not looking around and evaluating everything in terms of where it fits on a bipolar perspective.This morning I come into work and I want to throw my computer across the room.blehshort temperno patienceengine's revving again with nowhere to goI'm on hold with a

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125161365764926592005-08-27T12:49:00.000-04:002005-08-27T12:49:25.770-04:00

What Famous Leader Are You?personality tests by similarminds.com

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1125064288016593202005-08-26T09:49:00.000-04:002005-08-26T13:51:38.506-04:00

I don't know if my lack of concentration is medicinally induced or as a result of the disorder.I have zero frigging patience today.I also have a very short temper.I also have these emotional breezes that wander through, quick and dirty, that make me feel like I want to cry, and then right on the heels of that is the short temper.I am not depressed.I don't know what I am. Not really happy about

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124889768502049582005-08-24T09:22:00.000-04:002005-08-24T09:54:28.213-04:00

a quickieconcentration still sucks but at least I don't feel like I'm thrumming like a high tension wire.see how the rest of the day goes

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124834553233342922005-08-23T17:59:00.000-04:002005-08-23T18:02:33.240-04:00

Email from me to Rob:"Thank you again for listening to me at lunch. It was really hard for me to talk to you like that and tell you those things. I don't mean to worry you but if I don't tell someone, if I don't let it out, then it sits inside me and starts to eat at me. If that makes sense.SoAs usualThanks for being there and for being you.I'd be lost without you".Rob's email response back to

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124796843020635832005-08-23T07:19:00.000-04:002005-08-23T07:34:03.030-04:00

Example of how much I've been talking about things I shouldn't:The entire office now knows I have my navel pierced. Considering the weight I've gained, they all look at me like: "ewwwww. PLEASE don't show it". Trust me, it looked better three pant sizes ago.I've had it for about 10 years (a bit ahead of the curve of all the cool people, which I guess makes me lukewarm).My boss, (not the one I

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124574129069059792005-08-20T17:30:00.000-04:002005-08-20T17:42:09.080-04:00

This blog entry is really me talking to myself. Sorry for the strangeness: I just needed to talk to myself for a bit in a way that I can remember what I've said (if that makes sense).I've had some thoughts of late, cousins to the thoughts that just insert themselves into my head while driving and such, but these are not thoughts of harm or destruction or blood or anything the like.I WILL NOT

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124546425883508482005-08-20T09:53:00.000-04:002005-08-20T10:00:25.893-04:00

This morning, as every Saturday morning, Rob made pancakes. He normally then does the breakfast dishes. However, he's taking a course this weekend, 9 am - 6 pm both Saturday and Sunday, on sports first aid. It dovetails with his coaching certification.So he asked me to do the dishes while he got dressed to go.I said fine, just leave them on the counter.So what does he do?He throws his dish in

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124283092554828642005-08-17T08:35:00.000-04:002005-08-17T08:51:32.566-04:00

I've been finding lately that I want to be manic. I've been riding pretty high for a while (can't remember how long - a few weeks at least) and every time I sense some fatigue, or some shadowy thoughts, I deliberately PUSH myself higher.Would I have done that before my diagnosis? Obviously I wouldn't have known what to call it, but would I have deliberately pushed myself into maintaining the

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1124029798934237942005-08-14T10:28:00.000-04:002005-08-14T10:29:58.943-04:00

This is pretty good! Had me laughing anyway. Think it's quite clever.Hat tip to disso for this

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123963555223084642005-08-13T15:45:00.000-04:002005-08-13T16:11:53.133-04:00

Sansanity talks about lying.I just froze when I read her post. She was typing from inside my head.I remember being young, 8, 9, 10, and having friends want to come over on the weekend. I'd lie and say that we were going to an aunt's house. It was so easy, no forethought, just out it would come. I'd keep friends away from my house for the most part, the school friends anyway, because then they

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123726959669391612005-08-10T22:08:00.000-04:002005-08-10T22:22:39.696-04:00

Well, since I can't fill up with the high test (bloody stuff's near $1.00 a litre now) it's a good thing that my body is running on its own high grade fuel.Mind's still sharp, attention's been good, I've closed some deals at work that a few weeks back when I was grim I was terrified to even pick up the phone, I've also found I'm talking far too much but I can't help it. My old boss that hired me

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123450844123218272005-08-07T17:14:00.000-04:002005-08-07T17:40:44.133-04:00

I've been writing a lot - both here and in the "journal" I have. The journal is actually turning out to be a novel, and I'm going to post snippets of it on the other blog I have linked to this profile. Nothing there yet but soon I'll post some.The other thing is that I've been doing a lot of reading about bipolar disorder again, thanks in part due to a link Michele sent me: http://

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123334663491808012005-08-06T08:12:00.000-04:002005-08-06T10:30:08.556-04:00

Days are still good. Energy is high, mind is sharp. Now, for two separate points.1) My blog has been active for a year now. August 3 2004 I started this mess to vent and ease some of the burden I put on Rob by blurting out the venom and infected ooze that sometimes runs amok in my mind. It's done its job many-a-time: he's never had to know how truly deep I've become embroiled. Other times it's

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123207968956743852005-08-04T22:12:00.000-04:002005-08-04T22:12:48.966-04:00

I found this quote as a header for a blog I stumbled across."I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do, because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." ~ Susan B. AnthonyAmen, sista.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123121688411892172005-08-03T22:04:00.000-04:002005-08-03T22:14:48.416-04:00

I've been keeping track the past week and a half of my moods by a few words of entry into my daytimer in my purse, just a little pocket calendar. I've tried in the past these intricate moods charts and frankly I never seem to have the concentration to keep it up for long.As for the war between mind and body today...drum rollThe mind is winning!YAY!No fatigue.Rob and I had gone out to lunch to

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123068642683873892005-08-03T07:29:00.000-04:002005-08-03T07:30:42.693-04:00

My body is tired.My mind is not.We are at war.Work today should be interesting.Let's see who launches the first salvo, mind or body.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1123025808420695992005-08-02T19:30:00.000-04:002005-08-02T19:36:48.426-04:00

An Air France plane crashed 5 miles, as the crow flies, from my house today. It carried over 300 people, 290+ passengers and then the crew. We are in the midst of another humid heat wave, which grows unstable thunderstorms like mushrooms in the dark. It was in one of these torrential downpours, lightning warnings on all the radios, that this plane simply skidded 200 metres off the runway and

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122906666107694702005-08-01T10:05:00.000-04:002005-08-01T10:31:09.823-04:00

Poor Rob.The pendulum has swung the other way. On the way to a barbeque at my sister's , I told him how great I felt and he said he thought I was in the opposite place I was a few days ago. I went off on a tangent for a while, basically asking what was wrong with feeling so good, why can't I just enjoy it, what's wrong with that. He responded that he always watches me and makes mental notes and

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122677197516730822005-07-29T18:39:00.000-04:002005-07-29T18:46:37.526-04:00

Michele raised a good point with me:Are they hallucinations if I'm still aware of what's going around me? I would think no. That's why I call them visions: I see both the present and the "event" or the "picture". The vision takes a lot of my concentration and is highly distracting. But I don't remember ever thinking it was real. Just highly intrusive and highly disturbing and having a sense

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122644848588521882005-07-29T09:40:00.000-04:002005-07-29T09:47:28.606-04:00

And the curtain lifts.That was the genuine sensation late yesterday. A curtain lifting, the weight rising, my head higher, vision clearer and focus slowly returning.It is times like these, on the rebound of the slippery edge of lost reality, that I really get a sense of where I was. It's like seeing something in the dark: you see it because of a minute sliver of light reflecting off it more

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122550647780163522005-07-28T07:15:00.000-04:002005-07-28T07:37:27.813-04:00

I was able to find a way to articulate some of what happened yesterday to Rob.His response was that this is a bump in the road and I just have to fight through it. I'm trying.He also said that when I see this doctor in September for a second opinion, to mention it.I'll try to remember.What did happen yesterday? Sitting at my desk and having images insert themselves into my consciousness, images

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122480113681700402005-07-27T11:59:00.000-04:002005-07-27T12:01:53.690-04:00

My morning has been filled with intrusive thoughts of blood and destruction.Today is not going well.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122430682428216622005-07-26T22:09:00.000-04:002005-07-26T22:18:02.436-04:00

Work is getting busier. It's supposed to. I mean, I was hired because of my "expertise" in my field, and to use that to help increase sales in our market. That's beginning to happen and they've hired an extra sales rep on the road as well, and those two things have combined to make things increasingly busy. Phone ringing all day. Where's my quote? When's my delivery? Why didn't you call me

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122126707125718582005-07-23T09:18:00.000-04:002005-07-23T09:51:47.266-04:00

WARNING for the more conservative of my friends who read this: this may offend so please do not continue if a frank discussion on a broad range of sexual topics makes you uncomfortable. See you next post :-)For those that remain:Banjk wrote about a possible link between bipolar disorder (or other mental illness) and a Sexual Definition of Self. Not simply what one does and does not like in terms

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1122069698802120422005-07-22T17:57:00.000-04:002005-07-22T18:01:38.810-04:00

I GOT A REFERRAL! I GOT A REFERRAL!I have an appointment September 6 at 2 pm with a new pdoc for an initial appointment about a second opinion.HOLY FREEKIN' COW. WILL WONDERS NEVER CEASE!I have been thinking about this all the way on the drive home today. I realized that there are times that I've not been 100% honest with my current pdoc, little Napoleon, about my symptoms, because I don't want

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1121954657890829112005-07-21T09:59:00.000-04:002005-07-21T10:04:17.900-04:00

I got an email from a friend yesterday asking if I was okay, since it had been some time since I'd posted anything on my blog. Yes, I am okay. Just been busy.Adam is away for a week with his father on a train trip up into the northern reaches of the province. It's called the "Polar Bear Express". I miss him.Hockey was late last night: 10 pm game, which means 11 pm off the ice and close to

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1121346467061819232005-07-14T08:52:00.000-04:002005-07-14T09:07:47.070-04:00

The Argo game was great. And I actually went out that afternoon to the Reitman's up the street from us and bought a pair of linen capris and a khaki skort and a couple of nice tops and felt quite good about it when we went to the Sight Lines restaurant. The service at the restaurant was atrocious, the food was decent and the game was good. I guess it all balances out. Thanks for the supportive

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1120860513921836742005-07-08T18:03:00.000-04:002005-07-08T18:08:33.930-04:00

Tomorrow Rob and I are going to dinner at the Roger's Centre (formerly called the SkyDome) at a restaurant called Sight Lines. You have a good view of the playing field and the Argos, Toronto's CFL team, will be playing. I went out today to see if I could find an end of season dress or something. I know this restaurant doesn't have a strict dress code but I don't remember the last time I went

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1120562723248744072005-07-05T07:22:00.000-04:002005-07-05T07:25:23.253-04:00

Karla Homolka is out of jail. After seeking an injunction several times to stop the press from reporting on her once out of jail, what does she do? Within an hour of being released, she is on Radio-Canada, the French version of the CBC television, explaining how sad she is and how she doesn't think she deserves to be happy. That's logical: go to court to demand the press don't report on you,

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1120337933210980482005-07-02T16:52:00.000-04:002005-07-02T16:58:53.216-04:00

I'm going to try and keep this short.We've all heard about Tom Cruise's inane treatment of Brooke Shield's honesty regarding post partum depression and his broader attack on psychiatry as a whole. While I'm not impressed with my own psychiatrist, I am not psychotic enough to fail to recognize the importance of the medication in my life. And the best conduit for that medication is a psychiatrist

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1120336865954479432005-07-02T16:39:00.000-04:002005-07-02T16:41:05.960-04:00

Thanks to Cliff Hursey for the link. MIT is doing a survey on blogging. Here's your chance to contribute and make sure the statistics are accurate!Give it a shot. It only took me about 5 minutes to complete.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1120170659740446312005-06-30T18:17:00.000-04:002005-06-30T18:30:59.760-04:00

This is major news for some people in Canada.Do a google search on Paul Bernardo and Karla Homolka. I won't do it. It upsets me too much to see the details. But this woman is dangerous. She is manipulative. Read the attached story very carefully: she took part in the rape and murder of her own younger sister. The tapes they mention show she was a willing participant, not victim of an abusive

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1119924320242061572005-06-27T21:44:00.000-04:002005-06-27T22:05:20.260-04:00

There are ants in the house.Yesterday, Rob and I found a MOUND of dog food in between the crack of the sectional couch. The dog's been hiding it. And for each morsel of food, there must've been five ants. And the odd straggler throughout the main floor on the hardwood, rushing to catch up.We cleaned like mad, Rob lifting up one end of the sectional at one point so I could vacuum under and inside

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1119455666434555412005-06-22T11:54:00.000-04:002005-06-22T13:36:33.176-04:00

Went and saw Little Napoleon, my pdoc yesterday. Next appointment is in September, which is the longest break between appointments yet, to my faulty memory. That in itself is a positive.When I first sat down he asked how things were and I told him they were fine. Then he said, "Didn't you just get a lithium level test done?" I just took a deep breath and said "I don't take lithium".Am I the only

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1119188472106849172005-06-19T09:08:00.000-04:002005-06-19T09:45:16.993-04:00

It's time for some news.Anyone can cover war, famine and pestilence, but what about a chink in the evolutionary chain? I know o so many men who would love this little guy's problems. But guys, remember: it's not the tools that make the craftsman but the carpenter. Or, put this way: if Michelangelo worked with a paintbrush in both hands at the same time, he would have certainly finished the

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1118926854283556962005-06-16T08:31:00.000-04:002005-06-16T09:00:54.323-04:00

Hi. It's nice to have been thought of, thank you :-)I've been well. Just busy.Had a unique episode at hockey Sunday though. The team we were playing against is one I've played against in various incarnations off and on for three years. There are a core group of players on that team who play physical, on the dirty side. I don't have a problem with that, but some of the players on my team do.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1117802433053038522005-06-03T08:32:00.000-04:002005-06-03T08:40:33.060-04:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know I've not fallen off the face of the earth. Things have been extremely busy on a number of fronts, 99% of which are positive. I'll post more details once this very busy upcoming weekend is over.Take care all.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1117111278482537062005-05-26T08:26:00.000-04:002005-05-26T08:41:18.493-04:00

I did some gardening on the weekend. Our house is on the corner and the city sidewalk extends down the side of our property. We have a hedge running along the side about a foot in from the sidewalk. I trimmed the hedge to encourage it to grow together and fill in (we've only been in the house 4 years and it was a brand new house when we moved in. The hedge is just a baby). Then I dug up some

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1116879682097036672005-05-23T16:18:00.000-04:002005-05-23T16:21:22.103-04:00

Something I said at the family dr visit recently when I was asking for a second opinion:"I wish that I could go someplace, like physiotherapy, and my bipolar disorder would go away. Like a sore elbow, I could exercise my mind, teaching it to function properly again. I could do some crossword puzzles, figure out some increasingly difficult cryptograms and then graduate after some particularly

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1116702214858876122005-05-21T14:50:00.000-04:002005-05-21T15:14:24.830-04:00

Shrinkette :-) What a great idea...and it will get me out of an egocentric spiral by thinking about me. How ironic. And to think about things I've never done makes me think about what I HAVE done.Boy have I been busy. Tattoos, check. Piercings, check. Been stalked, been confused for a serial killer (I'm dead serious. It was scary). Seen all kinds of things, done all kinds worse. Like that night

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1116641547719240182005-05-20T22:04:00.000-04:002005-05-20T22:12:27.720-04:00

The wheels have started for the second opinion. Because of a number of reasons, it can take up to six months for me to get another pdoc. Or more. I am so very tired. Part of me wonders: depression lurking? another mixed state? or what if this is indeed related to the liver and that's the source of it.I told the fam dr that I've avoided social events because I so hate the changes in me since

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1116263083099093902005-05-16T12:54:00.000-04:002005-05-16T13:05:10.370-04:00

Sorry, haven't updated lately. The doctor's appt for last Tuesday, where I was to get a referral for a second opinion, fell through: the doctor was sick. I have another appt for tomorrow night. I'll let you know how it goes.I've also been thinking about how I try not to let the bipolar be central in my life, and sometimes I'm quite successful. But I know I can't ignore it: it makes itself felt,

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1115730831698122392005-05-10T08:55:00.000-04:002005-05-10T09:13:51.993-04:00

Rob came with me to the pdoc's last Wednesday. He asked me later on: Was I there to be your muscle? I said, something like that. More specifically he was there to be my witness, to confirm for me that my impressions of the doctor are not just bipolar tinted paranoid fantasy, that he really does not listen to me.We went through the story of me reducing my meds and he didn't freak out like I

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1115118782654585652005-05-03T07:06:00.000-04:002005-05-03T07:13:02.656-04:00

This made me feel like I've done something worthwhile, writing my heart out like I do.From an short email conversation I had recently with shrinkette, She said:FYI, I was on call last weekend, and I met a patient with elevated liver enzymes. I launched into a long speech about med changes, and she just sat there and looked at me, saying nothing. And then it hit me in a flash....Blondzila! White

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1115084393839102302005-05-02T21:27:00.000-04:002005-05-02T21:39:53.840-04:00

The meds experiment.It was a failure.I said to Rob over dinner tonight, after Adam had excused himself, that I've been thinking and that I'm going to "up" my valproic acid back to its previous, potentially liver damaging levels. He said he thought that was a VERY good idea. He said "I don't think we could say that this experiment was a complete success". Then I told him that I'd scared myself

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1115050677349004602005-05-02T12:17:00.000-04:002005-05-02T12:17:57.350-04:00

You might notice an addition off to the right. It's a little icon that shows my mood. Sometimes it's easier to update that than to type.Needless to say: today is not going well.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114964984308001192005-05-01T12:20:00.000-04:002005-05-01T12:29:44.310-04:00

Went for a run (even though it's very windy - gusts up to 35 km/h or jsut about 22 mph). Then did some gardening for about 1/2 hr, becoming very chummy with the bumper crop of worms that has risen with all the rain we've had.See, this is why hockey is important. Activity keeps me sane. And we do mean sane, don't we? And the 10 pm games will only be once every 3-4 weeks. The rest are earlier.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114953014310916292005-05-01T08:54:00.000-04:002005-05-01T09:10:14.313-04:00

Hi there. Remember me?Rob's starting to think that the reduction in medication isn't such a good idea. I've been (what he terms as) quiet. As well, my summer hockey season is starting in a week and a half and the Wednesday night league that I've joined (new one for me) has my first game at 10 pm on May 11. That is late for me. I will miss my 9 pm dose of Seroquel (can't play ice hockey stoned -

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114544988684166082005-04-26T15:47:00.000-04:002005-04-26T15:49:48.683-04:00

Lots of noise today. My ears are ringing. I don't know why.Strange.Fine otherwise though.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114428054585132832005-04-25T07:00:00.000-04:002005-04-25T07:20:54.586-04:00

Friday night, Adam, Rob and I went and saw Kung Fu Hustle. For some reason it's rated R in the States, but is 14A here (under 14 needs adult accompaniment). Because of the timing of the movie, I didn't get my Seroquel dose until probably 10:15, an hour late. Which meant my sleep was off.Saturday the dog and I went for the run while Rob went into work to catch up some. Rob then came home and

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114272055168330452005-04-23T12:00:00.000-04:002005-04-23T12:00:55.166-04:00

This is Blue and I on the way to a lovely park along the Credit River here where I live. It's pouring rain, but I haven't run with Blue in a long time, and running in the rain is actually very calming. I've got some energy to burn today, and the dog is by nature more hyper than I am, so off we go. Notice how much room I have in my rearview mirror: ALL DOG, ALL THE TIME. Oh yes, and this

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114271897912017992005-04-23T11:58:00.000-04:002005-04-23T11:58:17.913-04:00

Blue was whining so loud at this point, wanting to go outside and run (I'm in the muddy parking lot of the park), that I thought I was going to go deaf. And no, there's nothing wrong with her eyes: she has one blue one and one brown one. 

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114271786289455782005-04-23T11:56:00.000-04:002005-04-23T11:56:26.290-04:00

This is my feet after the run. They look FAIRLY clean, but they're soaking wet. Trust me. 

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114271730109920022005-04-23T11:55:00.000-04:002005-04-23T11:55:30.110-04:00

This is Blue's feet after the run. Nice, eh? 

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114271675345146432005-04-23T11:54:00.000-04:002005-04-23T11:54:35.346-04:00

This is Blue in the back of my little Hyundai accent just after our run. She's standing on the fold down part of the back seat. Don't worry, she's got more room than that: about that much floor space again if I close the hatch. 

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1114271555882531472005-04-23T11:52:00.000-04:002005-04-23T11:52:35.883-04:00

The weather today isn't the best. But what is a girl to do when she has energy to burn and is allergic to housework? 

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1113995592776132142005-04-20T07:07:00.000-04:002005-04-20T07:13:12.776-04:00

ben·e·dict ( P ) Pronunciation Key (bn-dkt)n. A newly married man who was previously considered a confirmed bachelor.[After Benedick, a character in Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare.] According to the The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth EditionCopyright © 2000 by Houghton Mifflin Company.A hardline Catholic conservative was a prince of the church.

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1113443143428797732005-04-13T21:33:00.000-04:002005-04-13T21:45:43.430-04:00

Yep, I'm still around.As for the comments about how I can do that in one day, LOL. A few things to keep in mind:Motherhood requires energy. Ask your mom. Ask any mom.I had always been prone to mania. The reduction in my meds has allowed a productive hypomania to creep in. The meds also didn't just even my moods out: they reduced or eliminated my motivation. So the reduction didn't just

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1112838971261636472005-04-06T21:47:00.000-04:002005-04-06T21:56:11.263-04:00

of a low-grade hypomanic mom/wife/professional (professional what we're not sure)6.45 am wake up6.50 first coffee, make a bowl of oatmeal6.55 eat oatmeal7.00 second cup of coffee7.05 reply to email from mom who advised she and Dad made it to Florida (they drove)7.10 wake up son for school7.15 make breakfast for son7.20 realise lunches weren't made last night, so make lunch for son7.30 get dressed

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1112141076418818412005-03-29T18:55:00.001-05:002005-03-29T19:07:58.490-05:00

There's another benefit to the new job. Rob and I now work about a mile apart. We commute sometimes together (though not all the time because of the demands of his job: he sometimes works quite late), and today we decided to have lunch together. It's a great treat. I know some husbands and wives who do all they can NOT to spend time alone together. I had that the first marriage. It's so

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1111775752800718502005-03-25T13:05:00.000-05:002005-03-25T13:35:53.060-05:00

Bipolar Creative has a personality test she took. Apparently I'm an Artisan. Guess that jewelry website, the paintings etc, weren't all for naught.Some excerpts of my "personality profile":"[Artisans] love working with their hands. They seem right at home with tools, instruments, and vehicles of all kinds, and their actions are usually aimed at getting them to where they want to go, and as

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1111760992844598612005-03-25T09:09:00.000-05:002005-03-25T09:29:52.850-05:00

First off, I have to say that any kind of "bump" I may have alluded to last night in reference to Susan's suicide is non-existent. It is gone.Second, Fran. Don't let the presence of lesbians deter you from getting involved in a fantastic team game. Your fiance can attest to the comraderie and fun that comes with the game and believe me, they (the lesbians) have better things to do than mess

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1111720222950933112005-03-24T22:04:00.000-05:002005-03-24T22:10:22.953-05:00

I don't think it will come as a big shock when I say that a lot of women who play ice hockey are lesbians. There is a woman on my Sunday night team whose partner committed suicide Sunday. She (the partner) had been suffering from advanced fibromyalgia for years and just couldn't take it anymore. She was 47.I couldn't go to the funeral because of time and geography limitations (it was clear on

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1111356542249401792005-03-20T17:02:00.000-05:002005-03-20T17:09:02.253-05:00

I've read several articles about the depths of persistent vegetative states, and of the history of the Schiavo case. If you're not sure what I mean, here's a brief overview.The persistent vegetative state is not a coma. Someone in that condition is in a no man's land. They can laugh, smile, or scream. They move. They blink. But if you tried to poke them in the eye, they wouldn't have the

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1111201509265048952005-03-18T21:43:00.000-05:002005-03-19T07:38:07.666-05:00

Michele and I've been talking.She's right, you know.We're living in the Jerry Springer era. Everyone is waiting for their 15 minutes, even if they have to debase themselves and their families to do it. They want to have their Tammy Faye Bakker makeup running, to claim they're on TV.Scandal has always been newsworthy. That's why public hangings were a form of public entertainment for the poor

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1110920403736242782005-03-15T15:55:00.000-05:002005-03-15T16:00:03.736-05:00

I had the follow up appointment with the liver specialist today.The blood tests are still abnormal, but have improved from last time. And they are just a shade over the high side of normal. We had a bit of a discussion hashing out a couple of things (a good discussion, not like those with my pdoc - this doctor actually listens to me), and the end result is that we are NOT going to do a biopsy

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1110855039075192532005-03-14T21:38:00.000-05:002005-03-14T21:50:39.076-05:00

I had a decent day at work. Rob stayed home today, getting over a nasty bout of stomach flu that hit him in the middle of Saturday night. Adam's off for March break. So when I left work for home, I called and said I was leaving, speaking to Adam. I asked if he knew what was for dinner and told him I was hungry. I drove the 40 minute commute and got home starving. Adam says, "No dinner for

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1110802651966761772005-03-14T07:14:00.000-05:002005-03-14T07:17:31.966-05:00

Friday, Saturday and Sunday: each day, for a different reason, my medication and/or sleep and/or eating schedules were disrupted. It showed: by Sunday, I was driving to my hockey game in near tears. From nowhere. And checking the speedometer on my car, wondering what would happen if I just drove into the car in front of me at that speed. Wondering what would hit me first, the steering wheel

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7851607.post-1110422828486914772005-03-09T21:36:00.000-05:002005-03-09T21:47:08.490-05:00

I ranted at him last month. Not that he heard me from the internet, but hey, I ranted.Tonight I had my next appointment.He asked me how the new job was going and I said fine. He said, "You were worried that you wouldn't be able to cope, that things would be overwhelming for you".I looked at him, unbelieving that he didn't remember the extent of our last conversation."No," I said, talking as I

blondzilahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08944561371392192434noreply@blogger.com13